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Joke Types
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I've started calling my pregnancy glow 'sweat sparkle.' It's the latest beauty trend – very exclusive.
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I'm not saying I'm a superhero, but I haven't seen me and Wonder Woman in the same room since I got pregnant.
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Pregnancy is the only time I can say I have a bun in the oven and not be talking about dinner plans.
Parental Prep Classes
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They have these parental prep classes to get you ready for the big day. I attended one, and they showed us a birthing video. I thought I accidentally walked into a horror movie marathon. I was like, Is this the right room, or did I just sign up for nightmares?
Ultrasound Adventures
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Ultrasounds are supposed to be this heartwarming experience. But honestly, it's like staring at an abstract art exhibit. The doctor points at the screen, saying, Look at the baby's face! And I'm squinting, thinking, Are we sure that's not an alien or a potato?
Pregnancy Fashion
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Being pregnant means you get to wear these stylish maternity clothes. They're like regular clothes, but with extra fabric strategically placed to make you look pregnant and not like you've been hitting the buffet too hard. Fashion tip: maternity pants are just sweatpants with better marketing.
Bun in the Oven
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You know, people say pregnancy is like having a bun in the oven. Well, let me tell you, my oven comes with morning sickness, weird cravings, and a timer that lasts nine months. And the only thing it's cooking is my ability to touch my toes!
Pregnancy Perks
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You get some perks when you're pregnant, like people offering you a seat on public transportation. It's like being a celebrity without the fame or fortune. I've never felt more VIP in my life, all because I'm carrying around a future poop machine.
Nine-Month Food Critic
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Pregnancy turns you into a food critic. Suddenly, you have these intense cravings at odd hours. Pickles and ice cream at 3 AM? Sure, why not? I'm like a late-night food connoisseur, except my reviews are just sounds of satisfaction and weird cravings posted on social media.
Baby Kicks
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Feeling the baby kick is supposed to be this magical moment. Well, let me tell you, it's more like being in a live-action version of 'Alien.' You're just lying there, minding your own business, and suddenly, boom! It's like the baby's auditioning for a role in a karate movie.
Mommy Brain vs. Daddy Brain
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They talk about baby brain, but let's not forget about daddy brain. My husband can't find the ketchup in the fridge, and suddenly it's my fault because I'm pregnant. Last time I checked, my baby bump doesn't have a built-in GPS for condiments.
Labor Day Countdown
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They call it Labor Day, but there's no countdown or confetti. It's more like a marathon, and instead of crossing a finish line, you end up with a tiny human who will dominate your life for the next two decades. Happy Labor Day, where the labor is real, and the rewards are questionable!
Baby Brain Power
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They say pregnancy gives you this special kind of brain power. Yeah, it's like a superpower that makes you forget where you left your keys, what day it is, and why you walked into a room. It's not baby brain; it's just preparing you for the chaos that is parenthood.
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