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I had a magician perform at my cousin's birthday party, and let me tell you, it was a disaster. He was doing this trick with a deck of cards, and suddenly, cards started flying everywhere. It was like a tornado of confusion. Kids were ducking for cover, and the birthday cake got carded worse than a teenager trying to buy beer. I asked the magician, "What happened?" He said, "Well, I guess the cards had a mind of their own." I thought, "Great, now we're dealing with rebellious cards. What's next, a mutiny in the deck?"
I told him, "If I wanted chaos, I'd have invited my ex. At least she doesn't throw cards; she throws emotional baggage. Less papercuts, but just as painful.
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You know, I went to see a magician the other day. This guy claimed he could make anything disappear. I thought, "Great! Can you start with my student loans?" But no, he pulled out a rabbit instead. I mean, come on! Rabbits multiply; I need my debt to disappear, not breed! And what's with the whole disappearing act? That's not a talent; that's just unpaid bills. If I could vanish every time my landlord knocked on the door, I'd be a magician too. "Is he home?"
Poof!
Nope, just the wind.
I tried to learn a magic trick once. I practiced making my paycheck disappear every month. Turns out, that trick's not appreciated by landlords either. They have no sense of humor. Maybe if I could turn my rent into a bouquet of flowers, they'd be more forgiving.
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I was dating a magician once. Relationship advice: never date a magician unless you enjoy being in a constant state of confusion. One minute he's there, the next minute he's pulling a disappearing act. I never knew if we were breaking up or if he was just practicing for his next gig. And the secrets – magicians love their secrets. I asked him, "What's your favorite color?" He said, "Ah, that's classified information." I mean, come on, we're not planning a heist; I just wanted to buy you a birthday present.
Dating a magician is like living in a constant state of suspense. "Is he faithful? Is he loyal? Will he saw our relationship in half and make it reappear later?" It's like being in a romantic thriller, but with more card tricks.
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Have you noticed magicians always wear those mysterious capes? What's the deal with capes? Is there a secret magician store where they sell nothing but capes and top hats? Do they have a discount if you buy in bulk? I tried wearing a cape once. I felt like a rejected superhero. "Look, up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's a guy who can't pick out decent clothes."
And the top hat – where do they keep all the rabbits? I can't even fit my lunch in there. Magicians must have a magical tailor who specializes in extra-roomy hats. I asked my tailor for a hat like that; he laughed and handed me a beanie.
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