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You know, I recently decided to try this new diet – it's called the "humane diet." Yeah, it's all about treating your food with kindness before you eat it. So now, instead of grilling my chicken, I'm giving it motivational speeches. I've got a chicken breast sitting there, and I'm like, "You can do it! You can be delicious!" I even tried talking to my vegetables, you know, just to be fair. I'd say, "Hey, broccoli, I know you're not as popular as pizza, but you've got your own charm. Embrace your green goodness!"
But the real challenge is when I'm at a restaurant. I'll order a steak, and then I'll ask the waiter if the chef gave it a good life. Did it have friends? A fulfilling job in the pasture? I want my steak to have had a better life than I did!
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Have you noticed how they're trying to make traffic jams more humane these days? Yeah, they're putting up those signs that say, "Expect delays," as if that's going to make me feel better about being stuck on the highway. "Oh, I was expecting a smooth ride, but thanks for the heads up – now I'm totally cool with sitting here for an hour!" And then there are those traffic reports on the radio. They try to sugarcoat it, like, "Traffic is a little heavy today, but don't worry, it's just a minor inconvenience." Minor inconvenience? I've aged five years in this traffic jam! It's not a minor inconvenience; it's a major life event.
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So, I've been thinking about technology, you know. We're living in this age of advanced gadgets, and it's all about being humane now. My smartphone, for example, has this "humane mode." It's supposed to be considerate of my feelings. But let me tell you, that phone has no idea how to comfort me when autocorrect changes "I love you" to "I loaf you." Now, that's just cruel! And then there's predictive text – it's like my phone thinks it knows me better than I know myself. I'll start typing, and it predicts the entire sentence. It's like having a digital psychic, but one that's terrible at predicting my intentions. "No, phone, I'm not writing a breakup text, I'm just ordering pizza!
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Let's talk about relationships. They say you should be humane in your relationships, right? But what does that even mean? Does it mean I have to let my partner win at board games to boost their self-esteem? Because if that's the case, we're breaking up right now. I'm not sacrificing my victory dance for the sake of love! And then there's this idea of sharing everything. They say, "In a relationship, you should share everything." Well, I tried sharing my snacks once, and let me tell you, it almost ended the relationship. "You ate the last piece of chocolate? This is over!"
So, remember folks, be humane in your relationships – but maybe keep your hands off the snacks.
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