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You ever notice how fortune cookies are like the unsolicited life coaches of the culinary world? I cracked one open the other day, and it said, "Your destiny is in the stars." Really? I thought my destiny was in the bottom of this takeout bag. And why are they always so vague? I want a fortune cookie to be specific, you know, like, "Beware of Karen from accounting. She's plotting to steal your snacks from the office fridge." Now that's a fortune I can use!
But seriously, who writes these things? It's like they have a Magic 8-Ball, and they just shake it and go, "Reply hazy, try again." I want a job where I can be that ambiguous and still get paid.
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I'm convinced fortune cookie writers are just messing with us. I got one that said, "You will travel to exotic places." So, naturally, I booked a flight to my grandma's house in Ohio. I mean, that counts as exotic, right? And why are they always written in broken English? Is the fortune cookie trying to teach me a life lesson or an English lesson? I feel like I'm decoding secret messages from a confused linguist.
Imagine if other things in life were as cryptic as fortune cookies. You go to the doctor, and he hands you a prescription saying, "You will heal with time." Well, doc, I hope time also comes with some antibiotics.
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You ever notice that fortune cookies are the only place where people are okay with receiving a piece of paper inside their food? If I found a note in my sandwich, I'd be calling the health department, not thanking my lucky stars. And let's talk about the excitement of cracking one open. It's like a mini celebration at the end of your meal. But deep down, we all know it's just a cookie trying to pass as a mystic messenger. It's like the dessert is saying, "Hey, I know I'm just a cookie, but let me predict your future real quick."
Maybe they should spice things up a bit and put jokes in fortune cookies. Like, "Why did the cookie go to therapy? It couldn't get its feelings out of the jar!" Now that's a fortune I'd share with my dinner companions.
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I was at a Chinese restaurant the other day, and my friend got a fortune that said, "Good things come to those who wait." Well, I'm sorry, but if good things come to those who wait, then my Amazon package should be a treasure chest of happiness by now. And don't get me started on the in-bed game. You know, the whole "in bed" addition to your fortune. I got one that said, "You will be successful in your career... in bed." Really? Is my boss hiding a promotion under my desk?
I think we need a reality check on these fortune cookies. How about a fortune that says, "You will binge-watch Netflix tonight... in bed"? Now that's a prophecy I can get behind.
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