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You know Murphy's Law, right? Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. Well, let me tell you, Murphy and I are tight. We're practically best friends. If he had a Facebook, I'd be his only friend. I recently decided to turn my luck around, so I bought a lottery ticket. The cashier said, "Good luck!" But with my luck, I wouldn't win the lottery; I'd win a lifetime supply of expired mayonnaise.
I tried to be optimistic, though. I thought, "What are the odds of things going wrong today?" Turns out, pretty high. I walked out of my house, and a bird pooped on my head. That's not a good sign; that's a sign you should go back to bed.
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I've been job hunting lately, and let me tell you, it's a special kind of soul-sucking experience. I applied for a position at a company, and they said they were looking for someone with experience. I said, "I'm looking for a job to get experience." It's like a Catch-22 for the unemployed. I went for a job interview, and they asked where I see myself in five years. I said, "Hopefully not still working here." Needless to say, I didn't get the job. I guess they were looking for someone with long-term commitment, and I can barely commit to a Netflix series.
My resume is so thin; it's on a strict diet. If it loses any more weight, it might disappear completely. I'm not saying it's bad, but my resume has an echo.
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You ever notice how life can be like a roller coaster? One minute you're at the top, enjoying the view, and the next, you're plummeting down faster than my dating life. Speaking of which, my dating life is so down on its luck, it's applying for a government bailout. I tried online dating, thinking it would be my ticket to happiness. But it turns out, my profile picture was so old, when I showed up for the date, she asked if I was there to pick up her dad. Yeah, I'm not just single; I'm a time traveler apparently.
It's gotten so bad that my dog looks at me like, "Really? You're the best I could do for a human?" I'm so down on my luck that even my fortune cookie said, "Sorry, try again later.
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Have you ever had one of those days where everything goes wrong? I had a day like that recently. Woke up, and the coffee machine decided to go on strike. I should've known it was a sign when the toaster gave me a suspicious look. I got in my car, and it made a noise that sounded like a mix between a dying cat and a lawnmower. I thought about turning back, but I needed the adventure. It turns out, the adventure was an unexpected tow truck ride.
I went to the store to buy a lottery ticket to turn my luck around, and they were sold out. Sold out! It's like the universe is saying, "Sorry, the 'good luck' store is closed today." So, I went home, and my cat knocked over my houseplant. I'm not saying I'm unlucky, but I think even black cats avoid crossing my path.
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