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You ever notice how doormen at fancy buildings act like they're guarding the entrance to the gates of heaven? I mean, seriously, I approach these guys, and suddenly I feel like I need to present a secret password and perform a dance routine just to get inside. One time, I went up to a doorman, and he looked me up and down like I was a suspect in a crime. I was just trying to visit a friend, not rob the place! I said, "Hey, I'm here to see Dave," and he responded with, "And who are you, the pizza delivery guy?" No, I'm not the pizza delivery guy, but now I wish I had a pizza just to mess with him.
I think they secretly enjoy making people feel small. It's like they have a checklist of judgments ready: "Not wearing a tie? Strike one. Casual Friday on a Wednesday? Strike two. Oh, you blinked too slowly, that's a definite strike three, buddy." I'm just waiting for them to hand out report cards as we enter.
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You know, I've started to believe that being a doorman comes with a secret handbook or a code of conduct that we, mere mortals, are not privy to. I mean, what kind of meetings do they have at the Doorman Headquarters? Do they practice judging people in the mirror? I think there's a chapter in their manual titled "Mastering the Art of the Polite Rejection." I can imagine them practicing lines like, "I'm terribly sorry, sir, but we're fully booked with important people tonight," or "Unfortunately, our elevator is reserved for those with charisma levels over 9000."
I bet there's also a section on how to maintain a stoic expression no matter what. It's like they're auditioning for the role of a statue that occasionally opens doors. I tried to crack a joke with one once, and he just stared at me like I asked him to solve a quantum physics equation. Tough crowd.
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I've come to the conclusion that being a doorman is secretly an extreme sport. I mean, think about it – they're standing outside in all kinds of weather, facing the dangers of judgmental glares and snarky comments. I bet there's a hidden competition among doormen, like the Doorman Olympics. Categories include the "Perfect Eye Roll," "Fastest Denial Without Saying No," and the highly anticipated "Maintaining a Polished Smile While Ignoring Obnoxious Requests." I can see them on podiums, receiving medals for their outstanding performance in not cracking a smile at my dad jokes.
But you know what they say, behind every great doorman is an even greater eyeroll, and I, for one, am here to applaud their dedication to the art of keeping us regular folks out of the VIP club. Hats off to the unsung heroes of luxury apartment buildings – the doormen!
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Have you ever noticed that doormen seem to have this uncanny ability to predict your entire life story just by the way you approach the entrance? It's like they have a superhero origin story, but instead of being bitten by a radioactive spider, they were slapped by a snobby socialite. I approached a doorman once, and before I could say anything, he goes, "Ah, another person trying to ride the success elevator to the penthouse. Sorry, buddy, but this building is for VIPs only." I was just there to pick up my dry cleaning, not to join the Avengers!
I imagine if doormen had superpowers, it would be the ability to sense the quality of your bank account by the sound of your footsteps. They hear you walking up like, "Ah, yes, that's the confident stride of someone who can afford the penthouse suite. And there's the hesitant shuffle of someone who probably just won a scratch-off lottery ticket.
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