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You ever notice how people love to declare things? Like, they just announce stuff as if the universe is waiting for their grand declaration. My friend declared he was going to start a diet. That lasted until he saw a donut the next morning. I mean, come on, donuts are the Kryptonite of resolutions. But it's not just diets. People declare love, intentions, war - I mean, who gave them the authority to declare war? Imagine just waking up one day and deciding, "You know what, I declare today a national pancake day!" I think that would solve a lot more problems.
And don't get me started on those who declare they're going to the gym. You see them once lifting a dumbbell heavier than their car keys, and suddenly, they're Arnold Schwarzenegger. It's like, buddy, slow down. You're not declaring war on calories; you're just declaring your presence in the gym.
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You know what's powerful? Declarations. Seriously, they have this magical ability to make you believe you can conquer the world. I once declared I was going to clean my entire apartment. I got as far as finding the mop before declaring a Netflix marathon instead. And job interviews, they're the declaration Olympics. "I declare I'm a team player!" Yeah, I'm a team player until someone eats the last donut in the break room. Then, I declare all-out snack warfare.
But the most dangerous declaration is the one you make to yourself when you're home alone and hungry. "I declare I'm going to eat just one chip." Cut to an hour later, surrounded by empty bags, and you've declared war on your own waistline.
Remember, folks, with great declarations come great responsibilities. Or at least great comedic material for stand-up.
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Have you ever been in a relationship where you have to declare your feelings constantly? It's like a never-ending dance of declarations. "I love you." "No, I love you more." "Well, I declare I love you the most!" It's like a romantic game of one-upmanship. And don't get me started on those lovey-dovey Facebook declarations. "In a relationship with..." I'm just waiting for the relationship status to have a "Declaration Level" meter. It's like, congratulations, your declaration level is now at Expert. Please proceed to romantic gestures level two.
But the best declarations are the surprise ones, like when your cat declares it's time to wake up at 3 AM by knocking everything off the shelf. That's a declaration of war, my friends.
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Have you ever been in a meeting where someone just starts declaring things left and right? It's like they're trying to be the CEO of the meeting. "I declare we need a coffee machine on this floor!" Well, I declare you need to chill out; this isn't the signing of the Declaration of Independence. And what's with people declaring their independence over the smallest things? I saw a guy at a restaurant declare he wanted extra pickles on his burger, like it was a matter of national importance. I was waiting for a tiny flag to pop out of the bun with the word "Freedom" on it.
I declare a moratorium on unnecessary declarations. Let's save the grand announcements for when they actually matter. Like, I declare every Friday a mandatory nap day. Now, that's a declaration I can get behind.
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