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Ladies and gentlemen, let's talk about caskets. You know, those fancy boxes they put you in when you're done adulting? They call them the final resting place. Resting place? More like the last time you get to lay down without someone telling you to do the dishes. I was at a funeral recently, and they had this casket that was so expensive, I thought the deceased was going to come back just to ask, "Are you serious? Did you guys spend my inheritance on this shiny mahogany palace? I was okay with Ikea furniture when I was alive!"
And what's the deal with the plush interiors of those caskets? Are they trying to make the afterlife more comfortable? I can imagine the deceased ghost complaining, "This is nice, but can I get some memory foam in here? And maybe a built-in Netflix subscription?"
You ever notice how they always say the deceased looks peaceful? Of course, they look peaceful; they're not dealing with the stress of life anymore! If I could sleep through my alarm for eternity, I'd look pretty peaceful too.
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Has anyone here ever been casket shopping? It's like shopping for a car, but the salesman is more somber, and the test drive is, well, nonexistent. "This is the 2023 model, it comes with a warranty that lasts forever... literally." And then they start talking about the "eternal rest" and how important it is. I'm sitting there thinking, "Can I get the one with the adjustable headrest? I might want to catch up on some reading during the apocalypse."
I tried asking the salesman if they had layaway plans, you know, because budgeting is important, even in the afterlife. He looked at me like I just told him I was planning a surprise party for the Grim Reaper.
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I heard about this new trend where people are making their own caskets. DIY caskets! Can you imagine? "Today, on Pinterest, we're making a cozy pine box for the eternal nap time." I bet there's a YouTube tutorial for that. And what if you mess up? You spend weeks making your own casket, and then you realize it's too short. Now you're stuck for all eternity with your knees against your chest. That's not eternal rest; that's eternal discomfort.
But hey, at least you can say you went out with a sense of accomplishment. "Yeah, I built my own casket. It's a bit snug, but it's got character. And a really cool Instagram story." DIY caskets: because even in the afterlife, you want to impress your ghost neighbors.
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Have you ever thought about casket upgrades? Yeah, apparently now you can customize your casket, like it's a luxury car or something. They have options for gold handles, velvet lining, and even a built-in GPS to guide you to the afterlife. I mean, isn't that a bit much? "Excuse me, sir, can I get the premium package? I want the deluxe casket with heated seats and a panoramic view of the celestial realm." I asked the funeral director if they had any eco-friendly caskets. You know, something for the environmentally conscious dead person. Maybe a biodegradable casket that turns you into a tree or something. They looked at me like I just asked for a two-for-one deal on burial plots.
And what about those themed caskets? I saw one shaped like a giant beer bottle. I guess that's for the guy who really loved his brewskis. I wonder if they have one shaped like a laptop for the workaholic or one shaped like a pizza for the eternal foodie.
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