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Ever notice how the waiting room at the blood test clinic feels like a bizarre support group? Strangers exchanging nervous glances, all connected by the common bond of having a fear of needles. It's like, "Hi, I'm Dave, and I'm here because my doctor said my blood is too shy to come out on its own.
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I always try to make small talk with the nurse to distract myself. "So, any exciting blood stories today? Heard any good cholesterol jokes lately?" But they're professionals, they don't appreciate my attempts at humor.
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You ever notice how the needle they use for a blood test looks like it's auditioning for a role in a horror movie? I half expect it to scream "Boo!" when it pricks my skin.
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So, they give you this tiny cup of water before the blood test, like it's the elixir of life. I'm just sitting there, sipping it, thinking, "Is this supposed to rev up my veins? Are they hydrating my blood like it's about to run a marathon?
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I asked the nurse once if they ever mix up blood samples. She just looked at me and deadpanned, "Well, it would explain why Mr. Johnson's blood type suddenly became 'sparkly unicorn.'
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Blood tests are the only time when being called a "good bleeder" is a compliment. Like, what's next? Awards for Best Vein Performance in a Medical Drama?
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You ever feel like a human pincushion after a blood test? Like, if vampires existed, I'd be the most disappointing snack. "Sorry, buddy, I've been tapped dry. Maybe check the next guy; he's got a juicier vein.
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I like to imagine my blood is having a rollercoaster adventure inside those little tubes. "Whee! Look at us go! We're on the express route to the lab, folks!" It's the small joys that get you through the needle anxiety.
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The hardest part of a blood test isn't the needle; it's trying to peel off that band-aid afterward without looking like you're auditioning for a one-person interpretive dance titled "The Struggle.
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