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If your horoscope says, "You'll encounter unexpected obstacles," it's probably referring to trying to assemble IKEA furniture. Those Swedish hieroglyphics are the real challenge.
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I don't understand why people blame their bad decisions on Mercury being in retrograde. Mercury didn't force you to eat that entire pizza last night. That was just your lack of self-control in action.
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Why do horoscopes always use vague terms? "You will face challenges today." I mean, come on, that's just life. I want a horoscope that tells me something specific, like, "You will find $20 in your laundry because you forgot to check your pockets.
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You ever notice how people always ask, "What's your sign?" but never, "What's your Wi-Fi password?" I mean, in this digital age, I think I'd rather connect with someone on a stronger signal than the alignment of the planets.
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I recently read my horoscope, and it said I'd meet someone special. So, I went to the grocery store, and there they were—the limited edition Oreos. Clearly, the stars have a sweet tooth.
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You know you're an adult when your horoscope says, "You'll face financial challenges," and you're like, "Yeah, no kidding, horoscope. That's called bills.
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Astrology says Leos are confident and ambitious. Well, I'm a Leo, and yesterday I spent an hour looking for my phone while holding it in my hand. Ambitious, right?
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I met a girl who was really into astrology, and she asked me what my rising sign was. I told her, "Well, usually, it's the sign that says 'Caution: Wet Floor' because mornings are tough, and coffee spills happen.
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I tried explaining astrology to my cat. Apparently, she's not into star signs. She just stared at me like, "I don't care about the constellations; just open the darn can of tuna.
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