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The Disgruntled Astronaut
Dealing with zero-gravity inconveniences
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I thought being an astronaut meant I'd have this elegant spacewalk, but most of the time, it's just me untangling myself from a floating mess of cables. I feel like a human Christmas tree in orbit.
The Unimpressed Alien Tourist
Finding Earth less exciting than the intergalactic brochures
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I went to a human comedy club, and the jokes were so basic. I told them, "Back on my planet, we've evolved past knock-knock jokes. Step up your game, Earthlings!
The Alien Abductee
Trying to explain the probing to Earthlings
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I asked the aliens if they had Yelp reviews for abductees. Turns out, I got a five-star rating for my abductee performance. Who knew my probing etiquette was out of this world?
The Stargazing Romantic
Trying to impress a date with astronomy pick-up lines
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I tried to be smooth and told my date, "If you were a planet, you'd be Venus, because you're a goddess of love." She replied, "If you were a planet, you'd be Pluto—distant and not really relevant." Well played.
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