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Can we talk about American tourists and their undying love for fanny packs? I get it; they're practical, but do they have to wear them like they're competing in a fashion show? It's like they're convinced that the louder the fanny pack, the cooler they look. I saw this guy with a neon pink fanny pack so bright you could spot him from space. It's like he wanted to make sure everyone in a 10-mile radius knew he had his passport and a pack of gum. I guess when in doubt, just accessorize with a fanny pack – the international symbol of "I'm here, and I'm probably lost.
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You ever notice how American tourists are like the international symbol for confusion? I mean, they're the only people who can get lost in translation without even uttering a word. You'll see them in the middle of some foreign city, holding a map upside down, looking more puzzled than a cat trying to understand quantum physics. I was in Europe recently, and I saw this American tourist asking for directions, and the poor local had no idea what was happening. The tourist goes, "Excuse me, do you speak English?" Now, imagine being asked that in perfect English. It's like, "Congratulations, you just failed the first question of the English test, and it's your native language!
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You ever been to a museum and suddenly felt like you're in the middle of a bustling American food court? American tourists have this volume control issue, especially when they're excited. I went to the Louvre, and you could pinpoint the location of American tourists just by following the decibel levels. They're in front of the Mona Lisa like, "Wow, would you look at that! Is she smiling? I can't tell, let's take a selfie!" Meanwhile, everyone else is trying to appreciate the art in peace, but it's like they brought a portable pep rally with them.
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American tourists have this magical belief that if they speak English louder and slower, everyone will miraculously understand. But when that fails, they resort to the international language of confusion: hand gestures. It's like they're auditioning for a silent movie, desperately trying to convey complex ideas with interpretative dance. I saw this American tourist in Japan, trying to order sushi with hand signals. It looked like he was auditioning for a role in a Japanese game show. He's waving his hands around, making fish faces, and the poor sushi chef is just staring, thinking, "I'm not sure if he wants sushi or if he's having a stroke.
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