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Ladies and gentlemen, have you ever been to a wedding and thought, "Wow, that groom looks like he's on the brink of a midlife crisis"? I recently attended one of those weddings, and let me tell you, this groom... let's call him Bob, was in for the adventure of a lifetime. So, Bob is standing there at the altar, sweating more than a turkey on Thanksgiving. I lean over to my friend and whisper, "Is it just me, or does Bob look like he's about to sprint out of here and join a circus?" I mean, I get it, marriage is a big commitment, but Bob looked like he was contemplating joining the Witness Protection Program instead.
The ceremony starts, and Bob's nerves are more apparent than a cat trying to take a bath. I half-expected him to pull out a survival kit from under his tuxedo – you know, a compass, some energy bars, and a map to the nearest escape route. But hey, he made it through, and I'm pretty sure he set a new record for the fastest "I do" in history.
Bob, if you're out there, just remember, marriage is a journey, not a sprint. And who knows, maybe the circus is still hiring!
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Let's talk about the groom's dance moves. You know, after a few drinks, when the DJ plays that one song that turns everyone into a dance-floor warrior. The groom suddenly thinks he's the star of a music video. I was at a wedding where the groom started breakdancing. Breakdancing! I didn't even know people still did that. It was like he was auditioning for "So You Think You Can Dance: Wedding Edition." The bride, on the other hand, looked like she was contemplating calling an exorcist to remove the dancing demon that had possessed her new husband.
Groom, I appreciate the effort, but let's leave the breakdancing to the professionals. The last thing we need is a groom in a neck brace on his honeymoon because he tried to spin on his head.
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Let's talk about wedding vows, shall we? The groom stands up there, looking all romantic, promising to love, cherish, and do the dishes. But we all know that once those vows are said and the honeymoon is over, reality sets in. I mean, the other day I overheard a conversation between a married couple. The wife said, "Remember when you vowed to be my knight in shining armor?" The husband replied, "Well, I didn't know the armor came with a laundry list of chores."
It's like the groom is drafting a constitution for the relationship, and the bride is thinking, "Wait, I didn't sign up for this!" Maybe we should have a pre-wedding reality check where the groom reads his vows, and then the bride pulls out a list of household responsibilities. Now that would be a ceremony worth attending.
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You know, we've all heard of Bridezillas, those mythical creatures who turn into monsters during wedding planning. But let me tell you, I recently witnessed a rare sighting of a Groomzilla. Yes, you heard me right – a Groomzilla. This guy was like a wedding superhero, fighting for justice in the name of perfectly folded napkins and matching color schemes. I didn't even know guys cared about napkin-folding techniques until I met Groomzilla. He was like, "No, no, no, these napkins must be folded at a precise 45-degree angle. We can't have uneven napkins at our wedding!"
I half-expected him to burst into the "Napkin Anthem" or something. It was like watching a Martha Stewart episode hosted by a dude in a tuxedo. Groomzilla, if you're listening, I hope your marriage is as perfectly coordinated as your napkin-folding skills.
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