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You ever notice how the father of the bride becomes a military general during wedding planning? I mean, this guy was barking orders like he was orchestrating a covert operation. "We need more floral firepower in Sector 3! The cake is a potential weak point; deploy extra frosting!" I half-expected him to have a war room with a giant map of the venue, pushing miniature bride and groom figures around like chess pieces. And if something went wrong, he'd be on the radio like, "Abort the first dance! I repeat, abort the first dance! We have a wardrobe malfunction!"
It's like, calm down, General Dad. It's just a wedding, not the invasion of Normandy. But hey, at least we know who to call when we need to plan the next D-Day – "D" for "Do we really need all these doves?
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You know, they say marriage is a beautiful union, a coming together of two souls, a celebration of love. But let me tell you, I recently attended a wedding where it felt more like a business merger with the bride's dad playing the role of the CEO. I mean, this guy was serious about the whole affair. He had spreadsheets for flower arrangements, PowerPoint presentations for seating plans, and I think he even hired a consultant to optimize the dance floor dynamics. I'm pretty sure he had a checklist for the checklist!
I asked him, "Isn't this supposed to be about love?" And he said, "Love is great, but have you seen the profit margins on a successful wedding?" It was like witnessing a hostile takeover of romance by corporate America.
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Have you noticed how weddings are like inflation? Every year, they just seem to get bigger and more extravagant. It's like, "Oh, you got married in a chapel with 50 guests? How quaint. We're renting out the entire Taj Mahal, and our guest list includes the entire population of Monaco." I feel like I need a loan just to attend weddings these days. I got an invitation the other day that had a mini statement attached, showing my estimated expenses for the event. It even had a section labeled "Optional Contributions," which is just a fancy way of saying, "We know you're broke, but we're giving you the chance to contribute to our dream day.
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So, I've been thinking about this whole "marriage for the bride's dad" concept, and it got me wondering if there's some mathematical formula they follow. You know, like Marriage = (Number of Guests x Cost of Flowers) ÷ (Bride's Dress Expense + Groom's Nervous Sweating). I mean, we could turn weddings into a math competition. Instead of catching the bouquet, people could catch calculators, and the one with the best financial plan gets to plan the next wedding.
Imagine the priest saying, "By the power vested in me by the Department of Finance, I now pronounce you financially responsible spouses.
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