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Can we talk about the names in "The Lord of the Rings"? Tolkien must've been paid by the syllable. Frodo Baggins, Samwise Gamgee, Aragorn, Legolas Greenleaf – these names sound like they're trying to one-up each other in a fantasy Scrabble game. I mean, imagine trying to order coffee in Middle-earth. "Yeah, I'll have a venti caramel macchiato for... uh, Frodo Son-of-Drogo, please?"
And don't even get me started on Smeagol and Gollum. That's a classic case of a split personality having an argument on who gets to order at Starbucks. "I'll have a grande frappuccino... No, I will have a black coffee. Yes, precious.
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Let's talk about the Eagles in "The Lord of the Rings." You're telling me these majestic creatures can swoop in and save the day whenever they feel like it, but they can't drop the Fellowship at Mount Doom and call it a day? I mean, Frodo's walking all the way, risking his life, and the Eagles are up there like, "Nah, we're just gonna circle overhead, enjoy the view." It's like having a friend with a private jet who insists on carpooling to the airport.
And when they finally show up, it's like they're doing the most inconvenient carpool pickup ever. "Oh, you're at Mount Doom? Let me just swing by, but I can't get too close. You'll have to walk a bit. Watch out for lava.
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Hey folks, you ever notice how watching "The Lord of the Rings" is basically an endurance test? I mean, forget marathons, those hobbits are the real long-distance runners. Frodo and Sam are probably the only ones who could survive a Netflix binge without getting up to pee. And don't get me started on the extended editions. I watched one of those once; by the time it was over, my microwave popcorn had grown its own ecosystem. I think I even aged a year.
But seriously, it's a commitment. If someone invites you over for a LOTR movie night, it's like they're asking, "Hey, do you have 12 hours to spare? Also, can you bring snacks?
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You ever notice how the Nazgûl are basically the original walkers from "The Walking Dead"? I mean, they're constantly after Frodo like they're the worst Uber drivers ever. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" And the way they screech – that's not intimidation; it's just bad karaoke. They probably got kicked out of Mordor's Got Talent.
But here's the thing, the Nazgûl are the ultimate example of why you should never procrastinate. They had all the time in the world to stop Frodo, but nope, they waited until the last minute like a college student finishing a term paper. "Oh, the Ring's leaving tomorrow? Guess we should get on that.
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