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You ever notice how some people just have that perpetually long face? I mean, not like they're walking around with a giraffe's neck or anything, but it's like their face is stuck in a constant state of disappointment. You could tell them they won the lottery, and they'd still look like they lost the winning ticket. I knew this guy with such a long face, every time he smiled, I thought he was practicing for a toothpaste commercial. His face was so long; I thought he was auditioning for a role in a Salvador Dali painting. I asked him once, "Dude, what's with the long face?" And he said, "It's hereditary." I was like, "Dude, that's not hereditary; that's just your face being a drama queen!
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I've been thinking, we need a support group for people with long faces. We could call it "LF Anonymous." Hi, I'm John, and I have a long face. "Hi, John!" I mean, why not? We have support groups for everything else. Imagine group therapy sessions where people share their struggles with their long faces. "Today, I resisted the urge to roll my eyes at the barista when she asked if I wanted whipped cream on my coffee. It's a small victory, but progress is progress." We could have long-face empowerment workshops, teaching people how to turn their frowns into semi-neutral expressions.
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You ever been in a room full of people with long faces? It's like entering the Long Face Olympics. Everyone's competing for the gold in looking like they just found out they have to sit through a five-hour PowerPoint presentation on the history of lint. I was at a party once, and it felt like the Long Face Olympics. People were exchanging long-face strategies like it was a secret society. There was one guy there who had mastered the art of the "sigh and stare into the distance" move. I tried to challenge him with my "raised eyebrow of confusion," but he shot back with the "deep existential contemplation gaze." It was like a long-face showdown. I almost expected the judges to hold up scorecards. "Oh, and here comes Dave with a solid 9.5 for his disapproving frown!
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I've figured it out; there's a conspiracy behind the long face phenomenon. I think it's the government testing a new form of facial expression control. They're secretly injecting us with "serious serum" to see how long we can maintain a straight face in absurd situations. It's like a social experiment, and we're all unwitting participants. Next time someone tells you a joke and you see someone with a long face not laughing, it's not that the joke isn't funny; it's just that their face is on lockdown. They're resisting the urge to crack a smile because they've been programmed to stay poker-faced. I'm telling you, it's the long face conspiracy, and we're all just puppets in this emotionless puppet show.
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