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Now, Kelly's attempt at cooking is something out of a comedy show. She invited me over for dinner and proudly presented her homemade lasagna. I took a bite and thought I was chewing on a rubber tire. I asked, "Kelly, did you forget to cook the noodles?" She said, "No, they're just al dente." I swear, those noodles were so al dente; they were practically doing a trapeze act in my mouth. And she's into these health fads. She told me, "I'm on a raw food diet." I went over to her place, and she handed me a plate of raw broccoli. I said, "Kelly, this isn't a meal; it's a rabbit snack." She goes, "Well, at least it's crunchy." Yeah, so is a bag of potato chips, Kelly, but I don't call that a health food option!
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So, Kelly got a new car recently, and she's still trying to figure out all the fancy features. She called me the other day and said, "I don't know how to turn off this lane departure warning thing. It keeps beeping at me." I said, "Kelly, that's a safety feature! It's telling you when you're drifting out of your lane." She goes, "Well, it's annoying. I can't enjoy my singing and driving at the same time." And let me tell you about Kelly's parking skills. She once asked me to help her parallel park, and I swear, it was like trying to fit a giraffe into a matchbox. After 20 minutes of back and forth, I said, "Kelly, maybe you should just park in the next county. It's safer for everyone involved.
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Kelly recently got a new smartphone, and she's convinced it's smarter than her. She calls me one day in a panic and says, "I think my phone is possessed. It keeps predicting what I'm going to type!" I had to break it to her gently that it's called autocorrect. Kelly thinks autocorrect is some technological psychic reading her mind, but in reality, it's just trying to save her from sending texts that look like they were written by a toddler with buttered fingers. And don't get me started on Kelly's password choices. I asked her what her password was, and she said, "Oh, it's my cat's name, followed by my birth year." I said, "Kelly, that's not a password; that's an invitation for hackers. It's like you're rolling out the red carpet saying, 'Welcome to my personal information party!'
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You know, folks, I've got a friend named Kelly. Now, Kelly's the kind of person who always says she's on a diet, but every time you see her, she's munching on something. I asked her once, "Kelly, how's the diet going?" She goes, "Oh, I'm on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it." I said, "Kelly, that's not a diet; that's called being alive!" And let me tell you about going shopping with Kelly. She spends hours trying on clothes, and when she finally comes out of the dressing room, she asks, "Does this make me look fat?" Now, what am I supposed to say? It's like being trapped in a verbal minefield. I've started responding with, "No, Kelly, the gravitational pull has just increased in this section of the store.
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