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Parenting manuals are the worst. They might as well start with "If you're reading this, congratulations on becoming a parent. Say goodbye to sleep, personal space, and your sanity." I mean, come on, parenting is basically a crash course in figuring out how many ways you can use the word "no" without sounding like a broken record. "If you're reading this, it's time to potty train." Oh, great! I've officially become a poop consultant for a tiny human. I never thought my life would revolve around discussing bowel movements, but here we are.
And then there's the infamous "If you're reading this, your child is entering puberty." Just what every parent wants to hear. As if dealing with a moody teenager wasn't challenging enough, now we need a manual for decoding their cryptic messages.
Parenting tip: If you're reading this, just accept that parenting is a series of unpredictable events and hope that someday your kids will appreciate the effort you put into deciphering their hieroglyphic-like notes.
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You ever notice how ominous it sounds when someone says, "If you're reading this..."? Like, am I about to receive a mysterious letter that's going to change my life? Is it a message from the beyond? No, usually, it's just a passive-aggressive email from your boss. "If you're reading this, you forgot to submit your TPS report. Again." And I'm sitting there thinking, "If you're reading this, can't you just remind me like a normal person? Maybe with a sticky note on my desk? You don't need to make it sound like I've just uncovered the Da Vinci Code of office memos."
Seems like everything serious or important starts with "If you're reading this." It's like the prelude to life's terms and conditions. "If you're reading this, you agree to be an adult and pay bills. Congratulations, welcome to the club. Also, good luck.
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Why is it that love letters and breakup notes always start with the same ominous phrase? "If you're reading this, it means I've been thinking a lot lately." Yeah, you've been thinking a lot lately about how to end things without getting a vase thrown at you. Imagine getting a love letter that starts with "If you're reading this, my love for you is like a fine wine, improving with age." Sounds romantic, right? Now imagine the same phrase but with a laundry list of reasons for a breakup. "If you're reading this, my love for you is like a fine wine, but our relationship is like a bottle of expired milk – it's gone sour, and it stinks."
Relationship advice: If you're ever tempted to write a note that starts with "If you're reading this," maybe just send flowers instead.
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Have you ever received a text that begins with "If you're reading this"? It's like entering the Twilight Zone of miscommunication. You start to panic, thinking, "Wait, what do they know that I don't? Is this a goodbye letter? Did I miss a memo about our friendship being downgraded to acquaintanceship?" And it's never good news, is it? "If you're reading this, I need to talk to you about something important." Oh great, now I'm imagining the worst possible scenarios. Are they breaking up with me, or did I accidentally adopt a pet rock and forgot to feed it?
Note to self: Never trust a message that starts with "If you're reading this" unless it's followed by "Congratulations, you've won a lifetime supply of chocolate.
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