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I was thinking, if I were a killer, I'd hire a publicist. I mean, think about it. The killer's got a serious image problem! Nobody's talking about their hobbies or interests. in a killer's voice
"Well, I'm really into knitting. I find it relaxing after a long day of, you know, the other stuff."
Can you imagine their social media? "Just finished another masterpiece... in knitting!" They'd have an Etsy shop under a fake name, selling scarves. And you'd be like, "I wonder why the 'Chill Knitter' always wears gloves...
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You ever notice how crime shows always focus on catching the killer? I mean, they really go all out with the investigation. But have you noticed they never talk about how the killer feels about being caught? Like, imagine being the killer and watching that show. imitating a killer
"Hey, that's me! They're looking for me!"
pause
"Oh no, they found me! And they're making me look so mean and mysterious! I have feelings, too, you know!"
It's like the killer's probably there on the couch eating chips, rooting for themselves. "Come on, you can do it! Oh wait, no, don't find that clue!" It's the ultimate spoiler alert for them. They know the ending already!
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I've been thinking about what it's like to be a killer's pet. Like, you're sitting there, looking at your owner, and you're probably thinking, "I've seen some things, man." Imagine being the cat of a killer! You'd have to play it cool all the time. "Oh yeah, those aren't bloodstains on my fur, that's just, um, ketchup! Yeah, I was at a wild party last night."
And you can't gossip about it! You're at the cat meeting, and they're all like, "My owner sleeps with five blankets," and you're there like, "Yeah, well, mine has a secret lair under the house." You'd be the talk of the animal kingdom!
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Have you ever thought about the absurdity of movie killers? I mean, in the movies, the killer's always the last person you'd expect, right? It's never the quiet neighbor next door. But imagine if it were! Your neighbor's mowing the lawn, smiling, and you're just thinking, "That guy? Nah, he's too friendly to be a killer."
And then one day, you see on the news, "The notorious killer arrested!" And you're like, "What? Gary from next door?" Suddenly, all those times he offered you cookies... now you're thinking, "Is this guy trying to fatten me up for a reason?" It's like living in a suspense thriller where you're also the oblivious main character!
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