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Flexing even happens in relationships. You've got couples competing over who has the better love story. "Oh, you met at a coffee shop? How quaint. We met in a parallel universe while skydiving with penguins." It's like a romantic arms race. And then there's the gift-giving flex. "Oh, you got your partner a cute teddy bear? That's adorable. I just bought my significant other a star and named it after them." Well, I hope your star has free shipping and returns because I'm sticking with teddy bears.
But the ultimate relationship flex is the couple who finishes each other's sentences. I'm over here struggling to finish my own sentences, let alone someone else's. If my partner tried to finish my sentences, they'd probably end up in a completely different book.
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You ever notice how people are always trying to flex at the gym? I mean, seriously, do we really need a live demonstration of your bicep gains while I'm just trying to find the 5-pound dumbbells? It's like a bodybuilder's playground, and I'm over here feeling like I accidentally stumbled into a superhero convention. And then there's that one guy who's so committed to the flex that he's lifting weights that haven't been invented yet. He's over there bench pressing future technology while I'm struggling with my water bottle, trying not to spill it all over myself. I call that guy a "temporal lifter" because he's clearly lifting from the future.
But hey, maybe I'm just jealous because my idea of a workout is lifting my laptop bag and, occasionally, a bag of chips. I don't need to flex; I'm already flexing my intellectual muscles, you know? Plus, who needs abs when you can have kebabs?
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Family gatherings are a breeding ground for flexing, especially when it comes to accomplishments. You've got Uncle Bob talking about his successful business, Aunt Susan bragging about her well-behaved kids, and Grandma subtly reminding everyone that she's the reigning bingo champion. I tried to flex once at a family dinner. I announced proudly, "I just learned how to make toast without burning it." The room fell silent. Apparently, mastering the toaster isn't as impressive as I thought. But hey, it's the small victories that count.
And then there's the classic flex move of bringing a store-bought dish and pretending you made it from scratch. We all know that store-bought pie crust, Karen. We're not fooled. But nice try. Maybe next year, invest in some cooking lessons.
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Let's talk about the modern phenomenon of flexing on social media. You've got people posting pictures of their avocado toast, trying to convince us they eat like royalty every day. Meanwhile, I'm over here posting pictures of my microwave popcorn like it's a gourmet meal. And don't get me started on the gym selfies. People contorting their bodies into poses that I didn't even think were possible, all in the name of showing off their workout routine. I'm just trying to figure out how to take a selfie without accidentally including the double chin action.
But you know what's the ultimate flex on social media? The humblebrag. "Ugh, I can't believe I have to fly first class again. They upgraded me for free." Really? Because last time I flew, I was upgraded to a middle seat that didn't recline. I call that the "economy swindle.
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