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Eviction is the ultimate diet plan. Forget keto, forget paleo. Get evicted, and you'll drop weight faster than a hot potato. You're not losing water weight; you're losing everything you own. "Who needs furniture when you can have an empty living room and existential despair?" I tried to see the silver lining. "At least I'll save money on electricity and water bills." Yeah, because I'll be showering at the gym and using the light from my phone to find my way around the empty apartment.
But you know what they say, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. In my case, life gave me an eviction notice, so I made a list of all the places I could crash for free. Turns out, having no home is a great way to find out who your real friends are. "Hey, remember that time we shared a bunk bed in kindergarten? Good times.
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Apartment hunting is its own kind of horror movie. You go through Craigslist ads, and it's like reading a fiction novel written by someone with a wild imagination. "Cozy studio apartment with a scenic view of the dumpster. Perfect for nature lovers." I called one landlord, and he said, "The apartment is very cozy." Translation: it's so small, if you drop a sock, you'll kick the neighbor. Cozy is just real estate for "get ready to know your neighbors on a first-name basis, whether you like it or not."
And what's with landlords showing you an apartment that's not ready yet? "Imagine this space without the construction noise and the paint fumes. It's a real gem." Yeah, it's a gem if you're into avant-garde living with a side of drywall dust.
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You know you've hit rock bottom when you're shopping for cardboard boxes and bubble wrap. I walked into the moving supplies store, and the cashier looked at me like, "Are you okay, sir?" I wanted to say, "Define 'okay.' Is it okay to cry into bubble wrap?" Moving is like a twisted game show. You pack everything you own into boxes, and then you have to strategically decide what you can live without for the next week. It's like, "Well, I need clothes, but do I really need more than one frying pan? Survival of the fittest kitchenware."
And don't even get me started on friends who offer to help you move. It's like assembling a team of superheroes with questionable powers. "I can carry a lamp. I'm really good at opening doors. And I specialize in standing around and offering moral support.
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You ever been evicted? I was recently evicted from my apartment. Yeah, it's like getting dumped by a building. "We need some space. You've overstayed your welcome." I swear, the landlord showed up with that eviction notice like he was serving me divorce papers. I half-expected him to say, "It's not you, it's me... wanting to make more money." And can we talk about the timing? I get the eviction notice on April Fools' Day. I thought it was a prank. I'm sitting there thinking, "Haha, very funny, guys. You got me. Now where's the real notice? Oh, wait..."
So, now I'm on the street, carrying my life in a couple of trash bags. The only thing more embarrassing than being evicted is having to explain it to people. "No, it's not a new minimalist lifestyle. It's called involuntary minimalism. Very trendy.
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