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Eli's dance moves are something else. It's like he's doing a combination of interpretive dance and trying to stomp out a small fire on the dance floor. I've never seen someone make the Macarena look so avant-garde.
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Eli has a unique way of taking selfies. He holds the phone at arm's length and squints at the screen like he's trying to read microscopic print. I once asked him if he needed reading glasses, and he said, "No, it's my selfie squint technique.
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Eli takes forever to make a decision. I asked him, "Do you want pizza or burgers?" He said, "I don't know, what are you feeling?" Dude, I asked you first! It's like playing a never-ending game of food ping pong.
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Eli has this uncanny ability to find the one squeaky chair in any room. It's like he has a sixth sense for discomfort. I'm starting to think he's secretly auditioning for a role in a horror movie – "The Haunting of the Squeaky Chair.
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Eli's idea of a wild Friday night is binge-watching documentaries about the history of paperclips. I mean, who needs that much information about a tiny piece of bent metal? It's like he's preparing for a future where paperclips rule the world.
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Eli's the only person I know who can get lost in a mall where every store is basically a repeat. It's like a real-life version of "Where's Waldo?" but with Eli, it's more like, "Where's the guy who can't find the exit?
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You ever notice how Eli uses his phone? He holds it like it's a fragile baby bird. I mean, dude, it's not a Fabergé egg; it's a smartphone. You can tap it, not caress it. I half expect him to whisper sweet nothings to Siri.
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You know how some people talk in their sleep? Well, Eli types in his sleep. I once received a message at 3 a.m. that said, "Banana hammock volcano insurance." I have no idea, but I'm pretty sure it's his subconscious trying to write a surrealist novel.
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Ever notice how Eli organizes his bookmarks? It's like a chaotic labyrinth. I asked him to show me a website, and he scrolled past bookmarks like he was navigating through a dense jungle. I half expected a wild monkey to pop up.
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