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You know, I've been thinking about Disney princesses lately. I mean, what kind of job interview is that to become a princess? "So, do you talk to animals?" Imagine going into a regular job interview and they ask you, "Can you communicate with birds?" I'd be like, "Well, only if they're fluent in English, otherwise, it's just a lot of awkward tweeting." And what's the deal with the magical transformations? Cinderella goes from rags to riches with just a flick of a wand. I've been trying to get a raise for years, and all I've managed is turning my cubicle into a storage closet. Where's my fairy godmother when I need her?
You know, being a Disney princess sounds nice, but they never show the behind-the-scenes stuff. I bet Ariel had to deal with seaweed in her hair all the time, and don't even get me started on the logistics of living under the sea. I can't even handle a clogged drain.
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Let's talk about the practical side of being a Disney princess. Snow White is just hanging out with seven dudes in the woods. I can't even keep up with my group chat, and she's managing a household of seven men. I bet she's the one doing all the cleaning while they're off mining diamonds. And what's the deal with Rapunzel's hair? I can't even deal with split ends, and she's using her hair as a ladder. Imagine trying to explain that to your hairdresser: "I need a trim, but leave enough for me to escape a tower, just in case."
I bet the real challenge for these princesses is trying to date in the real world. "So, what's your background, Cinderella?" "Well, I used to live with rodents, but now I have a castle." That's a Tinder profile I'd swipe right on.
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I think Disney princesses need a support group. I mean, they all have these insane stories, right? "Hi, I'm Cinderella, and I used to clean fireplaces for a living." You just know Elsa would chime in with, "Hi, I'm Elsa, and I accidentally turned my entire kingdom into a winter wonderland." And how about the unrealistic beauty standards set by these princesses? I mean, not everyone can wake up looking like Sleeping Beauty. If I wake up looking like I've been asleep for a hundred years, someone call an ambulance, not a prince.
I imagine the support group meetings would be hilarious. "Hi, I'm Mulan, and I've been pretending to be a man to save China." Talk about commitment issues. I can't even commit to a gym membership.
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What if Disney made movies about modern-day princesses? Cinderella wouldn't lose a glass slipper; she'd lose her AirPods. Snow White wouldn't be poisoned by an apple; she'd be poisoned by her avocado toast. And instead of a magic carpet, Jasmine would have an Uber. I can already see it – "Beauty and the Influencer." Belle wouldn't be reading books in a provincial town; she'd be scrolling through Instagram in a trendy coffee shop. The Beast? Just a guy with a beard that needs a little grooming.
And don't even get me started on Ariel. Instead of giving up her voice for legs, she'd probably give up her Wi-Fi for a decent cell signal. "Look at this trove, treasures untold. How many bars do you have? I need to post this on Insta!
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