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You know, I was thinking about the Ten Commandments the other day. You've got the classics like "Thou shalt not steal" and "Honor thy father and mother." But then there's this mysterious 11th commandment that no one talks about. I mean, come on, God, you couldn't round it up to an even dozen? What's the deal with that? I imagine Moses up on the mountain, getting these tablets, and he's like, "Alright, guys, good news and bad news. The good news is we got the top ten rules for life. The bad news? Well, we've got one more, but it's kind of like the bonus track on an album - not everyone gets it." I bet that commandment is like the VIP club of the afterlife.
Can you imagine trying to guess what it is? "Thou shalt not hog the heavenly WiFi" or "Thou shalt always rewind thy memories before passing on." I swear, if it's something simple like "Thou shalt not double-dip in the holy salsa," I'm in trouble.
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Have you ever noticed how we're quick to break some commandments but treat others like the holy gospel? "Thou shalt not kill" – well, duh! But "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife"? Come on, that's just human nature. And what's the deal with "Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor"? I mean, does that mean I can't lie to cover for my friend's terrible fashion choices? Sorry, but if you're wearing socks with sandals, I'm pleading the fifth.
I think we need a commandment amnesty day. Like, once a year, you can break one commandment consequence-free. It's the ultimate get-out-of-jail-free card. Of course, there'd be commandment cops waiting to ticket you the next day. "Sir, do you realize you exceeded the coveting limit yesterday?" Yeah, sorry officer, but it was Commandment Amnesty Day.
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We need a reboot of the commandments for the 21st century. "Thou shalt not ghost thy Tinder date" or "Honor thy WiFi password and keep it holy." Seriously, in today's world, these are the real struggles. And what about "Thou shalt not binge-watch without thy partner"? That's a relationship deal-breaker right there. If you start a series together, you better finish it together. No sneak-watching behind your partner's back. That's betrayal on a biblical level.
I can already hear the new commandments: "Thou shalt not leave thy dirty dishes in the sink for more than 24 hours" and "Thou shalt not talk with a full mouth during Zoom meetings." Now, those are the rules we need to live by.
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So, we've got these commandments, right? But who's in charge of enforcing them? I mean, are there heavenly bouncers checking IDs at the pearly gates? "Sorry, buddy, no entry. You stole a candy bar when you were 12. House rules." And what about the gray areas? Like, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's ox." I get it; back in biblical times, oxen were like the Lamborghinis of the day. But what if your neighbor has a really cool lawnmower? Is that coveting? Am I going to hell for admiring a well-manicured lawn?
And don't get me started on the Sabbath. I can barely make it through a weekend without checking my work emails. I can't imagine taking a whole day off. "Sorry, God, can't chat today. It's my day of rest. I'll get back to you after my Netflix marathon.
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