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You ever notice how going to a cardiologist is like having a serious heart-to-heart conversation? I mean, you're sitting there, they're looking at your charts, and you're just praying they don't say, "We need to talk." I'm like, "Doc, can we just keep it casual? Maybe a little small talk before you break my heart news?" And then there's the stress test. I don't know who thought it was a good idea to run on a treadmill while someone in a lab coat stares at you like they're judging your workout playlist. I'm running, and they're there, calm as ever, probably thinking, "This guy really needs to cut back on the donuts."
But the best part is when they start talking about your diet. They're like, "You need to eat healthier." I'm thinking, "Doc, I'd rather have a cheeseburger than hear about kale right now. Can't we compromise and put kale on the cheeseburger? Call it a heart-friendly special?
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You know, I appreciate a good sense of humor in a cardiologist. It's a tough job, and laughter is the best medicine, right? But sometimes, I wonder if they're testing their material on us. I had one cardiologist who, after an EKG, said, "Well, your heart's rhythm is better than most dance floors." I'm like, "Doc, I'm here for medical advice, not a comedy show. Save the jokes for the waiting room."
And then they always have those heart models in their office. They're pointing at it and saying, "This is your heart." I'm thinking, "Yeah, that's my heart, not a presentation at a science fair. Can we get back to the serious stuff? Like, is it okay for me to have a pizza with extra cheese?
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I recently got my medical report from my cardiologist, and I swear, deciphering that handwriting was like trying to crack a secret code. I felt like I needed a decoder ring or maybe just a really good magnifying glass. I mean, it's my heart we're talking about here, and I don't even understand the prescription for it! I showed it to a friend, and he goes, "Are you sure this is a prescription and not a treasure map?" I wouldn't be surprised if there's a hidden message in there like, "Eat more chocolate, it's good for the soul."
And can we talk about how they abbreviate everything? LDL, HDL, EKG. It's like they're texting my heart a message in a secret medical language. I wouldn't be surprised if they throw in an emoji next time. "Your cholesterol is a bit high, but don't worry, 😅.
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You ever notice how awkward small talk can get when you're at the cardiologist? They're asking you about your life while listening to your heartbeat. It's like they're multitasking, being your life coach and DJ at the same time. They'll be like, "So, how's work?" And I'm sitting there thinking, "Well, it was stressful until you started asking me about it while holding a stethoscope to my chest. Now it's a breeze."
And then they drop the bomb, "Any stress in your life?" I'm like, "Yeah, Doc, this exact moment when you're asking me about stress while my heart is pounding like it's auditioning for a drum solo.
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