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Let's talk about those fancy awards shows, like the Oscars. You know, where Hollywood gathers to celebrate its own greatness. I watch it every year, and by watch, I mean I wait for the highlights on YouTube because who has four hours to spare? And have you noticed the acceptance speeches? They're like mini-dramas. People are up there thanking everyone from their third-grade teacher to their pet goldfish. I'm just waiting for someone to go full Shakespeare on stage. "To thank or not to thank, that is the question!"
But seriously, if I ever won an award, my speech would be different. It would go something like, "I'd like to thank my microwave for always being there for me, my bed for supporting my dreams, and Netflix for being my most loyal companion. This award is for all the introverts out there!
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I recently received an award for procrastination. Yeah, I didn't even apply for it; they just assumed I'd get around to it eventually. It's a plaque that says, "For Outstanding Achievement in Putting Things Off." I was so proud until I realized it took me three weeks to open the envelope. The irony is not lost on me. I guess I should have expected a delay in receiving an award for procrastination. I mean, they probably sent it months ago, and it's been sitting in my mailbox, patiently waiting for me to get around to collecting it.
But hey, at least I can add "Award-Winning Procrastinator" to my LinkedIn profile now. Maybe I'll get a job offer for it. "We need someone who can consistently delay tasks. You're hired!
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You know you've made it in life when you receive an award. I recently got one, and let me tell you, it wasn't exactly what I expected. It was more like a participation trophy for adulting. They handed it to me, and I was like, "What did I do to deserve this? Oh right, I didn't burn the kitchen down while making toast. Go me!" But seriously, awards are weird. They're like shiny little symbols of our achievements, or in my case, surviving a week without ordering takeout. I mean, do we really need a trophy for everything? I'm waiting for the day they start handing out awards for successfully binge-watching an entire series in one sitting. And the award for "Best Couch Potato" goes to...
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We live in the era of participation trophies. Everyone gets one. You play soccer? Here's a trophy. You attend a meeting at work? Here's a trophy. I half-expect to get a trophy for successfully brushing my teeth in the morning. But let's be real, these participation trophies don't prepare you for the real world. I mean, imagine going into a job interview and being like, "Well, I may not have the qualifications, but I have this trophy for showing up every day." I don't think that's gonna cut it.
And what's next? Adulting awards? "Congratulations, you paid your bills on time this month. Here's your gold star!" At this rate, we'll be handing out trophies for just existing. And the award for "Best Existence" goes to...everyone.
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