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Can we talk about work emails? I get more emails in a day than I get likes on my cat memes, and that's saying something. My inbox is like a black hole of productivity – emails go in, but they never come out. I'm convinced that somewhere in the world, there's a secret society of people who communicate exclusively through email. They probably have secret handshakes coded in subject lines. And then there's the dreaded reply-all button. Who thought that was a good idea? It's the digital equivalent of accidentally hitting "Reply All" on a group text. Suddenly, the entire company knows you're bringing donuts on Friday, and you're stuck wondering if you can fake a donut allergy to get out of it.
I propose a new law: for every unnecessary email, the sender has to buy everyone in the office a cup of coffee. Let's see how many "urgent" memos we get when people have to start forking over caffeine currency.
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Let's talk about the breakroom, the Bermuda Triangle of office spaces. You put your lunch in the fridge, and it disappears. I swear, my sandwich has a better chance of making it to the moon than surviving a day in the office fridge. And then there's the unwritten code of breakroom etiquette. If you see someone in there, you have to do this weird dance of pretending you're not really there. You open the fridge with ninja-like stealth, trying not to make eye contact, hoping they don't realize you're both on a covert mission for the last slice of cake.
I think we need a breakroom referee, someone with a whistle and a rulebook to enforce proper sandwich storage and microwave manners. I mean, is it too much to ask for a workplace where I can microwave my leftovers without feeling like I'm competing in the Hunger Games?
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Can we talk about micromanagers for a second? I mean, do they think we're all toddlers who need constant supervision? My boss is the king of micromanagement. He's like, "Hey, can you send me an email every time you go to the bathroom?" I'm like, "Sure, should I include a detailed report on the color and consistency too?" And the meetings, oh boy, the meetings. We have meetings about meetings. I swear, if we had a meeting to discuss whether we needed another meeting, my head might explode. The only thing worse than a long meeting is a pointless meeting. You ever sit in a meeting and think, "I could be doing actual work right now, but instead, I'm here listening to Bob from accounting tell us about his cat's dental problems"?
I'm thinking about starting a support group for people who've been personally victimized by unnecessary meetings. We'll call it Meetings Anonymous. The first step is admitting you have a problem, and the second step is finding a way to escape the never-ending cycle of pointless discussions.
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You ever notice how bosses always have that one look? You know the one – that mix of authority and confusion, like they just walked into a magic show and the magician made their common sense disappear. My boss is no exception. I call him the Human Question Mark. Every time he asks me something, I can't help but imagine a giant punctuation mark floating above his head. "Hey, could you stay a bit late today?"
And there it is, the floating question mark. I'm like, "Sure, let me just cancel my hot date with Netflix and my couch." It's like they have a sixth sense for the worst possible timing. It's never, "Hey, could you stay late on a slow day when you have nothing to do?" No, it's always when you have plans or a life outside of work.
So, I'm thinking about making a business where you hire someone to say "no" to your boss for you. You just send them a text, and they reply with, "Sorry, my client cannot accommodate your request at this time. Please try again when they give a damn.
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