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Why are birthday cards so passive-aggressive these days? You ever read those ones that say things like, "Another year older, another year wiser"? Oh, thank you for reminding me that I'm older and apparently not wise enough to avoid your snarky card. And don't get me started on the cards that try to be motivational. "Life begins at 40." Really? Because at 40, life begins with a backache, a mortgage, and a subscription to the Weather Channel to discuss the merits of a good lawn.
I got a card from my aunt last year that said, "Age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying you." I thought, "Wow, that's a fancy way to say I'm old, but at least I'm entertaining.
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You ever try to exchange a birthday card with someone, and it turns into an awkward dance of politeness? It's like a scene from a bad romantic comedy. You hand them the card, they open it, and there's that obligatory pause where they read it. Meanwhile, you're just standing there, waiting for their reaction like you've handed them the secret to eternal life. And then they look up, smile awkwardly, and say, "Thanks, it's... beautiful."
And you know they're lying because the card you picked out has a picture of a cat wearing sunglasses and a birthday hat. It's not beautiful; it's just ridiculously adorable. But hey, at least it's the thought that counts, right?
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You ever notice how buying a birthday card has become a mission impossible? I mean, there are more options for birthday cards than there are for life decisions. I walk into the store, and suddenly I'm faced with a wall of cards. It's like a Hallmark-sponsored labyrinth. There's a card for every possible scenario. I found one the other day that said, "To a Special Someone on Your Birthday." I thought, "Great, that's generic enough, right?" But no, the inside said, "May your day be filled with joy and laughter." Come on, it's a Tuesday. I just hope my day is filled with coffee and not too many meetings.
And then there are those musical cards. You open them, and suddenly you're orchestrating a mini-symphony in the store aisle. It's like, "Happy birthday to youuuuuuuu!" I'm just standing there, trying to shut it up while everyone is staring. I feel like I accidentally joined a flash mob against my will.
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Have you noticed that some birthday cards are so generic they could apply to anyone? I bought one recently that said, "To a Wonderful Person on Their Special Day." I mean, talk about covering all your bases. It's like they're playing birthday card bingo, hoping they hit the right combination. And what's with the overuse of exclamation marks? "Wishing you a fantastic birthday full of joy and surprises!" I feel like the card is more excited about my birthday than I am. If the card could talk, it would probably shout, "It's party time, baby! Let's get this celebration started!
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