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Let's talk about Netflix. Remember when you had to physically go to a store to rent movies? Now, you just scroll through endless options and end up watching the same show you've seen a hundred times. It's like a buffet, but you keep going back to the mac and cheese because you're too afraid to try the weird-looking sushi. And don't even get me started on the "Continue Watching" list. It's a judgmental reminder of all the shows you started and never finished. "Hey, remember that documentary about sustainable living? No? Well, here's another episode of 'The Office' for the hundredth time."
But hey, according to Netflix, my watch history is worth analyzing. They're probably sitting in a boardroom somewhere, saying, "This person has watched every cooking show but can't boil an egg. What's their deal?" My Netflix worth is probably higher than my actual net worth. At least I can say I'm rich in content.
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You ever order food delivery and track the delivery guy like he's carrying the secrets to eternal happiness? You see that little dot on the map, and suddenly you're a detective solving the case of the missing pizza. "He took a left on Elm Street. Is he lost? Is he eating my fries?!" And then the app says, "Your food has been delivered," but where is it? Did he perform a magic trick and make it disappear? I've waited for that delivery guy longer than I've waited for important life milestones. "Sorry, graduation ceremony, but I gotta get my hands on those mozzarella sticks first."
But you know what's worse than waiting for food? Waiting for someone to text back. You send a message, and suddenly, time slows down. You start questioning your entire existence. "Did I use too many emojis? Was 'LOL' inappropriate for a funeral conversation?" Waiting for a text is like waiting for water to boil. It feels like an eternity, and you're left wondering if it's even worth the wait.
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You ever check your bank account and wonder if it's mocking you? It's like, "Hey buddy, remember when you thought buying avocado toast was a good investment?" My bank account has become my financial therapist, constantly asking, "Are you sure you need that extra guacamole?" Yes, I do, Janet! Guac is the only green thing in my life right now. And let's talk about "net worth." It's this fancy term that's supposed to make you feel important. So, I calculated mine the other day. Turns out, if I sold everything I own, I could probably afford a really nice cheeseburger. I'd be homeless, but hey, at least I'd have a full stomach!
Seems like everyone's talking about investments these days. I invested in a gym membership once. Biggest scam of my life. I thought I'd magically turn into a fitness model by just paying the monthly fee. Spoiler alert: I didn't. My net worth got smaller, but my belly didn't.
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Can we talk about social media for a second? It's this magical place where everyone's life is perfect, and I'm over here struggling to take a decent selfie. If my life was a movie, it would be a comedy, but my Instagram would make it look like an action thriller. "Here I am skydiving off the cliffs of adventure, when in reality, I tripped over my cat and spilled cereal all over myself." And don't even get me started on followers. We measure our self-worth in followers. I got excited when my followers hit triple digits. I felt like a social media rockstar. But then I realized my cat has more followers than me, and she doesn't even post anything! How did she do it? What's her secret? Maybe I should start posting more pictures of my breakfast.
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