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I've been trying to eat healthier, you know, get in shape. So, I decided to have a salad for lunch. But why is it that salads are the most boring food on the planet? You look at the menu, and it's like, "Here's the garden salad with a side of disappointment." I want a salad that excites me, not one that makes me question my life choices. And don't even get me started on salad dressing options. Balsamic vinaigrette? Is that even a real thing, or did someone just mix big words to make it sound fancy? "Oh, would you like your lettuce drizzled in balsamic vinaigrette?" No, Susan, I want my lettuce to have a party, not attend a funeral.
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Let's talk about small talk for a moment. Why do we pretend to enjoy it? You see someone you vaguely know, and suddenly you're engaged in the most meaningless conversation of your life. "How's the weather? Oh, it's cold. Groundbreaking." And the worst part is the fake laughter. Someone tells a terrible joke, and you're there pretending it's the funniest thing you've ever heard. "Haha, yeah, classic knock-knock joke, Frank. You should be a stand-up comedian." No, Frank, you should be a mime because silence would be an improvement.
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You ever notice how everything these days is just so complicated? I mean, even ordering a cup of coffee has turned into a mission impossible. I walked into a coffee shop the other day, and the barista starts asking me questions like it's an interrogation. "Sir, do you want that as a half-caf, soy, almond milk latte with a dash of unicorn tears?" I'm like, "No, Karen, I just want a regular coffee. Black. Like my soul." And don't get me started on technology. I remember when phones were used for calling people, now I need a manual just to send a text message. "Why is there a dancing taco emoji? Am I supposed to be having a conversation or a fiesta?
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Can we talk about the absurd number of TV channels we have these days? I remember when there were like three channels, and you had to get up to change them. Now I have more channels than friends on Facebook. And every time I sit down to watch something, I spend more time scrolling through channels than actually watching anything. I found a channel the other day that only plays infomercials at 3 AM. Who is buying a vacuum cleaner with neon lights at that hour? I mean, if I'm up at 3 AM, I want to watch something entertaining, not a demonstration on how to peel potatoes in three easy steps. "But wait, there's more!
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