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You ever notice how the "close door" button in an elevator never really works? It's like a placebo for impatience. I press it anyway, pretending I have the power to expedite the elevator process. Spoiler: I don't.
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Ever wonder why we say "sleep like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours crying? If that's what it means, I'd rather sleep like a cat—16 hours a day and waking up only for snacks.
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Have you ever wondered why we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are weak? It's like we're negotiating with the TV, saying, "Come on, just one more episode, and then I'll change them. Please!
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You ever notice how the more buttons a remote has, the less likely you are to know what any of them do? It's like they're trying to confuse us into watching infomercials at 3 am. "No, I just wanted to turn down the volume, not order a set of magic knives!
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Why do we call it "fast food" when sometimes it takes longer to get your order than it would to cook a three-course meal at home? I ordered a burger, not a culinary adventure.
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You ever notice how we say "why" when something doesn't make sense, as if the universe owes us an explanation? Like, "Why do socks disappear in the laundry?" I don't know, but I'm starting to suspect my washing machine is a portal to a sock dimension.
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You ever notice how when someone says, "I'll be there in five minutes," it's the most flexible unit of time? It could mean anywhere from five minutes to "I haven't left my house yet, but I'm thinking about it.
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Ever get asked, "Why are you always on your phone?" I'm just trying to stay connected, man. It's 2024, and my phone knows more about me than my therapist. Siri probably knows my deepest secrets, but at least she doesn't judge me.
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Why do we call it a "self-help" book? If I could help myself, I wouldn't need a book. Maybe we should call them "help-yourself-if-you-can" books.
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