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You know, folks, I'm all for staying healthy, but these days it feels like every time I touch something, I need a hazmat suit. My ghostwriter gave me a note: "wash your hands." Now, don't get me wrong, washing hands is great, but they're acting like I just discovered soap. I went to a public restroom the other day, and there was a sign that said, "Employees must wash hands." I thought, "Well, what about the customers? Are we exempt from basic hygiene?" I'm sitting there waiting for someone to hire me so I can wash my hands.
I went to shake someone's hand the other day, and they pulled out a bottle of hand sanitizer like I was about to perform surgery. I felt like I was meeting a surgeon instead of a friend. "Nice to meet you, Dr. Clean Hands!
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You ever notice how awkward handshakes have become? It used to be a simple greeting, but now it's a negotiation. My ghostwriter said to talk about handwashing, and it got me thinking about the aftermath of a good handshake. You shake someone's hand, and immediately you're thinking, "Should I discreetly wipe my hand on my pants, or should I make a beeline for the nearest sink?" It's like you're caught in a germ limbo, trying to navigate the post-handshake hygiene etiquette. I'm just waiting for someone to invent the one-time-use handshake glove. Patent pending!
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My ghostwriter told me to talk about washing hands, and I thought, "What's the big deal?" Then I realized some people treat hand-washing like they're training for a martial arts tournament. You ever see those people who take a good 20 seconds to lather up, making sure they get every finger, every knuckle? I'm there just trying not to look like a hand-washing amateur. It's like a karate ritual, but instead of breaking boards, they're breaking bacteria.
And then there's the timing. They say you should wash your hands for as long as it takes to sing "Happy Birthday." I tried it, and by the time I was done, I felt like I should have a cake waiting for me in the bathroom. "Surprise! You washed your hands successfully!
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So, I've been thinking about soap a lot lately. My ghostwriter said to remind you all to "wash your hands," but I can't help but wonder about the soap industry. I mean, there are so many types of soap: antibacterial, moisturizing, scented, unscented, and the list goes on. I went to buy soap, and I felt like I was choosing a character in a video game. Do I want the one that kills 99.9% of germs, or do I want the one with aloe vera and a touch of lavender? It's like a soap opera in the soap aisle, and I'm just trying to find my leading role in the hygiene drama.
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