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I was in the supermarket the other day, and I saw a sign that said, "Seedless Grapes." I thought, "Well, that's obvious." But then it hit me – who was the unfortunate person that had to try and eat grapes with seeds before we figured this out? "Mmm, delicious snack...oh, crunch, never mind, let's fix that.
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Ever notice that the TV remote always disappears when you need it the most? It's like it has a secret agenda against your favorite shows. "Oh, you want to watch this? Let me hide in the couch cushions for the next three hours.
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You ever notice how ketchup bottles have those little numbers on the side for serving suggestions? Like, "Hey, maybe you should consider a PhD in ketchupology, because apparently, 17 is the optimal amount for your fries. Who's measuring this stuff? I just squeeze until I hear a satisfactory 'plop'.
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You ever try to open a bag of chips quietly? It's impossible! It doesn't matter if you're in a library or a spy mission; that bag will betray you with a sound louder than a rock concert. "Stealth mode activated – crinkle, crinkle, crunch.
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Why do we call it a "pair of pants"? Shouldn't it be a "two-piece"? I mean, a pair of shoes makes sense; you've got two of them. But pants? Last time I checked, I'm just trying to cover one lower half.
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I bought a plant the other day, and the tag said, "Water occasionally." Well, now I'm in a constant state of plant paranoia. How often is "occasionally"? Is it feeling neglected? I watered it yesterday, but what if it's secretly judging me for not doing it frequently enough?
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I was at the gym the other day, and they had a sign that said, "Please wipe down equipment after use." I thought, "Sure, I'll just use my towel to polish this exercise bike like it's a fine piece of furniture. Maybe I'll get a nice sheen going.
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You know you're an adult when you get excited about a new sponge. I was at the store, and they had this high-tech, super-absorbent sponge. I thought, "Wow, this is the LeBron James of cleaning supplies!" I even considered giving it a cool nickname, like "SpongeBob the Marvelous Absorber.
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Why do we say we "sleep like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours crying? I don't know about you, but I'd prefer to sleep like a teenager on a weekend – undisturbed for at least 12 hours straight.
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I love how shampoo bottles have instructions: "Lather, rinse, repeat." Who's repeating this process indefinitely? Are there people out there with such luscious locks that they're stuck in a perpetual loop of hair-washing? I've got things to do, I can't be stuck in a bathroom time warp!
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