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I found a gym that claims to be inclusive of all "special needs." I went in, ready to impress with my special talent of avoiding the treadmill like it's a medieval torture device. Turns out, they meant differently-abled folks. Well, my ability to avoid cardio is still pretty special, right?
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You ever notice how the term "special needs" has become so overly used these days? I mean, we're all special needs when it comes to Wi-Fi. The moment that signal drops by one bar, suddenly, I've got a very urgent need for some special attention.
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I was at a coffee shop the other day, and they had a sign saying they cater to "special needs." I thought, great, they must have an extra-strong coffee for Monday mornings and a secret stash of chocolate for those emotional emergencies. Turns out, they just had gluten-free muffins. I guess gluten has special needs too.
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You ever notice how elevators have a button for "emergency" but not for "special needs"? Like, excuse me, elevator, I have a special need to avoid small talk with strangers on the way up. Can we make that happen?
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I saw a restaurant with a sign that said, "We accommodate special needs." I walked in and asked if they could accommodate my need for not making awkward eye contact with the waiter while deciding what to order. They looked at me like I was the first one to ever request that.
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The other day, I saw a sign for a "special needs parking space" at the mall. I thought, finally, a spot for those of us with a special need for avoiding long walks after shopping. It's not a disability; it's strategic laziness.
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You know you're an adult when your idea of a wild Friday night is rearranging your furniture. But then I saw a sign at the store saying they have a section for "special needs furniture." I thought, finally, a sofa that understands the emotional rollercoaster of binge-watching!
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They say everyone has their own special needs. Mine? Well, I need at least 8 hours of sleep, a good cup of coffee, and for my phone charger to magically untangle itself in the night. Is that too much to ask?
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I noticed a pet store advertising "special needs pet care." I asked what that meant, and they said it's for animals with unique requirements. I thought, well, if they can cater to high-maintenance pets, maybe they can handle my need for someone to fetch my snacks during movie nights.
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