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You ever notice how every family has that one relative who thinks they're the wise sage, like the Dalai Lama of the family? Well, in my family, that's Uncle Robert. You know, he fancies himself a bit of a philosopher. He drops these profound nuggets of wisdom that he probably found on a fortune cookie or something. The other day, he looks at me and says, "Life is a comedy for those who think and a tragedy for those who feel." I'm just sitting there, thinking, "Is this guy auditioning for Shakespeare in the Park or our family barbecue?" I mean, thanks, Uncle Robert, but I just wanted the mustard.
And why is it that these wise sayings always come at the most inconvenient times? You're trying to open a pickle jar, and he goes, "The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." Yeah, well, right now, my journey is to get this damn jar open, Uncle Robert. Save the philosophy for later.
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Uncle Robert has some interesting ideas about parenting. He told me, "Children are like wet cement. Whatever falls on them makes an impression." I'm thinking, "Okay, Uncle Robert, but do you really want my kids growing up thinking the meaning of life is 'avoiding the rain?'" He also said, "The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant—and let the air out of the tires." I'm not sure if that's brilliant parenting advice or a felony. I can see him teaching a parenting class and saying, "Today, we'll cover discipline. Step one: Learn how to change a flat tire quickly.
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Uncle Robert thinks he's a relationship expert too. He told me, "Don't marry the person you think you can live with; marry only the individual you think you can't live without." I'm like, "Uncle Robert, that's beautiful, but I met my wife in a fast-food drive-thru. I just wanted a burger, not a life-altering decision." And he has this gem: "A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished." I don't know if I should laugh or start sleeping on the couch preemptively. I mean, thanks, Uncle Robert, for the marriage pep talk. I'll be sure to frame it and hang it next to our wedding photo.
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So, I found out Uncle Robert has a Twitter account. Yeah, the guy who still thinks "LOL" means "Lots of Love." I didn't even know he could operate a smartphone without calling it a "gizmo." He tweets things like, "In my day, we didn't need GPS. We had something called 'asking for directions.'" I'm like, "Uncle Robert, in your day, you probably thought a tweet was what birds did in the morning." It's like he's trying to start a revolution against technology. I half expect him to send a carrier pigeon with a message that says, "Bring back the rotary phone!"
And don't get me started on his Facebook posts. He shares those inspirational quotes with a picture of a sunset in the background. I'm like, "Uncle Robert, you do know that's not your vacation photo, right? That's a stock image from the internet." He's like the accidental hipster of social media.
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