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You ever notice how technology tries to be all cool and futuristic? My phone now has this fancy feature called "sans notifications." It's supposed to make me feel free from constant interruptions. But let me tell you, the only thing sans notifications does is make me paranoid. I'm sitting there like, "Is anyone even thinking about me right now? Did I suddenly become the loneliest person on the planet?" I miss the good old days when the most high-tech thing my phone did was play Snake. No sans, just slithering around trying to eat pixels. Now I've got a device that's too smart for its own good, making me feel like I'm in a relationship with an emotionally distant robot.
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You ever go to a sandwich shop and they start throwing around the term "sans"? I asked the guy behind the counter for a turkey and cheese sandwich, and he goes, "Sure, would you like that sans lettuce?" I'm thinking, "No, I want it with lettuce, but thanks for offering me the option to exclude something I didn't even know was an option!" I feel like sandwich places are trying to be all fancy now. "Would you like that sans mayo, sans onions, sans happiness?" Just give me the sandwich without the linguistic acrobatics. I didn't come here for a vocabulary lesson; I just want a good ol' sandwich with everything on it.
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Fashion these days is getting weirder and weirder. I went to buy a pair of jeans, and the salesperson said, "We have a sans-pocket option for a sleeker look." I'm standing there thinking, "Are pockets suddenly uncool? Did I miss the memo on pockets being so last season?" I like my pockets. They're like my personal storage units. Now they want to make pants sans pockets, so I have to carry everything in my hands like a walking shopping basket. I don't need fashion to be sans-sible; I need it to be practical. Give me pockets, give me comfort, and please, no sans-nonsense.
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You ever go to one of those fancy restaurants where they try to be all sophisticated with their menu? They use words you need a dictionary to understand. I went to this place the other day, and they had "sans" written all over the menu. I'm sitting there thinking, "Am I ordering food or deciphering a secret code?" Waiter comes over, and I'm like, "Can I get the steak, sans the confusion?" I mean, seriously, just call it what it is! I don't want my meal to sound like a high school French class. "Oui oui, I'll have the sans-soup, merci!
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