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You know you're married when your wife starts a sentence with "We need to talk," and suddenly you're evaluating every life choice you've ever made.
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My wife asked me to do the laundry. I told her I'd love to, but the socks keep disappearing, and I suspect there's a parallel universe where all the missing socks are having a party.
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You know your marriage has reached a new level of comfort when you can't remember the last time you closed the bathroom door. It's like a bonding experience for us – one person on the throne, the other critiquing their phone scrolling technique.
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My wife said she wants more romance in our relationship. I suggested we start holding hands more often, especially during scary movies. Nothing brings a couple closer than shared terror.
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My wife complained that I never buy her flowers. So, I bought her a cactus. It's like a bouquet that lasts forever and also subtly warns me not to forget our anniversary.
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My wife complained that I never surprise her. So, I showed up at home unexpectedly, and she said, "What are you doing here?" Well, I guess that's one way to keep the element of surprise alive.
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My wife told me she wants a fairy-tale romance. So, I bought her a mop and bucket – happily ever after includes a clean house, right?
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Marriage is all about compromise. Like when my wife insists on watching a romantic movie, and I compromise by pretending to be interested while secretly thinking about what snacks I can sneak into the living room.
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Marriage is like a deck of cards. At the start, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you're looking for a club and a spade to bury your feelings.
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