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Have you ever received a text message from one of these wanna be gangsters? It's like they're trying to communicate in some secret gangster code, but it just comes off as a tough emoji. Instead of using words, it's all about the symbols. They'll send you a text that looks like hieroglyphics. It's just a series of fist emojis, fire emojis, and the skull emoji for dramatic effect. I'm sitting there deciphering it like, "Is this a threat or an invitation to a barbecue?"
And the worst part is when they try to incorporate slang into their messages. You'll get a text that reads, "Sup, G? We be chillin' in da crib, keepin' it 100, ya feel?" And I'm thinking, "I feel like I need a translation app just to understand your text."
I tried to respond in kind once, and I think I accidentally challenged someone to a dance-off. My bad, I didn't realize the flexing arm emoji meant a literal flex-off.
So, note to all the wanna be gangsters out there: if you want to intimidate someone through text, maybe stick to regular words. Save the emojis for expressing your love for pizza or that adorable cat video. Because nothing says "gangster" like a well-placed heart emoji.
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So, I was thinking about these wanna be gangsters and wondering if they have their own version of a GPS. You know, like a Gangster Positioning System. Instead of saying, "Turn left in 500 feet," it's more like, "Make a hood right, and if you hit the cul-de-sac, you've gone too far, bro." I can imagine them giving directions like, "Go down Thug Avenue, take a left on Ghetto Street, and you'll find the 'Hoodlum Hideout' right next to the convenience store that doesn't sell healthy snacks."
And you know how regular GPS has that soothing voice? The gangster version would be more like, "Yo, fam, you missed the exit! Now you're in Suburbia, and your street cred just hit rock bottom."
I just hope they don't get lost in the suburbs. Imagine them trying to ask for directions from a soccer mom. "Excuse me, ma'am, can you point us to the nearest underground fight club? No? Okay, how about the closest organic farmers' market? We need to maintain our street cred with some locally sourced kale.
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You know, I was walking down the street the other day and I saw these guys who clearly thought they were some kind of tough, hardcore gangsters. I call them the "wanna be gangsters." You know the type, right? They've got the baggy pants, the oversized shirts, and they walk like they've got a permanent wedgie. I'm looking at these guys, and I'm thinking, "What are you rebelling against, laundry day?" I mean, seriously, if your pants are any lower, we're going to need a search party to find them. And they're always trying to look so intimidating, but it's hard to take someone seriously when their belt is basically a fashion accessory rather than something holding up their pants.
These guys act like they're in the middle of some epic gangster movie, but the only thing they're likely to rob is the clearance rack at the local dollar store. I saw one of them trying to throw gang signs, and I'm pretty sure he was just trying to signal for help because his pants were falling down.
I don't know, maybe they're just misunderstood fashion enthusiasts. Maybe they're not wannabe gangsters; they're just really committed to the "low-rise" trend. Either way, I'm just waiting for the day they realize that practicality beats fashion when you're trying to outrun actual trouble.
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You ever notice how these wanna be gangsters are always dressed like they're about to commit the most fashionable crime of the century? I mean, forget robbing a bank; they look like they're about to steal the spotlight at a fashion show. I saw one guy with a hoodie so big, I thought he was auditioning for the role of the Headless Horseman. And they're always wearing those sunglasses that cover half their face, as if they're trying to protect their identity while posing for the cover of "Gangster Vogue."
I imagine them planning a heist in a high-end fashion store, debating whether to steal the cash register or just grab the entire shoe section. "Listen, Tony, forget the diamonds; let's go for the designer handbags. We'll be the most stylish criminals in town!"
But you know what's really criminal? The fact that these guys probably spend more time picking out their outfits than actually honing any criminal skills. I can picture them in front of a mirror, practicing their menacing looks while struggling to keep those oversized hats from toppling over.
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