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I've found a new weight-loss trend, folks: the plank diet. Instead of counting calories, you count the seconds you can balance on a plank. It's like a combination of intermittent fasting and a circus act. I told my nutritionist about it, and she said, "That's not a sustainable diet." I said, "Have you seen how pirates stay in shape? Plank walking and running away from the Royal Navy—cardio and balance all in one!"
But seriously, if you want to lose weight, just imagine a pirate captain behind you yelling, "If you fall, you're shark bait!" You'll be shedding pounds faster than you can say, "Arrrrr, I'm hungry.
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So, "walk the plank" is a phrase that's supposed to sound all threatening, right? But have you ever tried to walk a plank? It's not as easy as it looks in the movies. I felt like I was auditioning for a tightrope-walking circus act. I asked the pirate captain, "Do you have a plank with safety railings? Maybe a net below? I've got a fear of falling and a fear of sharks, and this situation is triggering both at the same time."
And don't get me started on the balancing act. I looked more like a penguin trying to tightrope walk than a fearsome pirate. If pirates had to do a sobriety test on the plank, I bet a lot of them would end up swimming with the fishes.
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I've got to say, "walk the plank" is a phrase designed to give you instant anxiety. As soon as someone says it, your mind goes into this dramatic slow-motion sequence, imagining yourself gracefully—or not so gracefully—falling into the abyss. I tried to make it a positive experience, you know, like facing my fears and conquering the unknown. So, I brought a motivational speaker with me. Mid-plank, he yelled, "You're not falling; you're just taking a dramatic step into success!"
But it turns out, motivational speakers can't swim, and I had to save him from the metaphorical and literal deep end. So much for conquering fears.
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You know, the other day, someone told me to "walk the plank." I didn't realize I had joined a pirate ship. I mean, I knew I had some bills to pay, but I didn't think I had to face the high seas and fight off sea monsters just to keep the lights on. I was expecting a memo or an email, not a pirate captain with a wooden leg and a parrot on his shoulder telling me to take a stroll off the side of the ship. I've got a mortgage, not a treasure map!
But seriously, "walk the plank" is just a fancy way of saying, "Hey, buddy, take a dive into the unknown, and good luck with that." I walked it, though. Turns out it was just the gangplank at the local seafood restaurant. Not exactly a pirate adventure, but the calamari was fantastic.
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