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You ever notice how tired is such a universal condition? I mean, everyone can relate to being tired. It's like the one thing that brings us all together. You could be talking to someone from the other side of the world, and you just connect on a deep, spiritual level when you say, "Man, I am tired." And there are different levels of tired, right? There's the "I stayed up binge-watching Netflix all night" tired, and then there's the "I have a toddler who thinks 4 AM is playtime" tired. But no matter what level you're at, tired is tired. It's the great equalizer.
I was so tired the other day that I tried to make coffee without putting any coffee grounds in the filter. I just stood there, staring at the machine, wondering why my life choices had led me to this point. And you know you're tired when you pour a bowl of cereal and then try to put the milk in the pantry. It's like your brain is on vacation without telling the rest of your body.
But here's the thing about being tired - it's a badge of honor. If you're not tired, are you even adulting correctly? Tired is the new cool. Forget about being well-rested; that's so 2010. Now, if you're not exhausted, people look at you like you're not hustling hard enough. So here's to the tired warriors out there, stumbling through life one yawn at a time.
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You ever feel like there should be a Tired Olympics? I mean, we have the regular Olympics for all those super athletic people, but what about us? The tired folks who can't even make it up a flight of stairs without needing a nap. I imagine the Tired Olympics opening ceremony would just be a bunch of people stumbling in, half-awake, with bags under their eyes the size of carry-on luggage. The national anthem would be replaced with the sound of a thousand coffee machines brewing simultaneously.
And the competitions? Oh, they'd be legendary. The 100-Meter Power Nap, the Freestyle Yawning Marathon, and of course, the Synchronized Snoozing. Judges would rate you on the intensity of your bedhead and the creativity of your excuses for being late.
I can see it now - "And here comes Susan from Team USA, attempting the Triple Alarm Clock Snooze! Look at that technique, folks. She's a veteran in the art of ignoring responsibilities."
But let's be real; we'd all win gold in the "Just Five More Minutes" event. That's the one where you convince yourself that five more minutes of sleep will somehow make you feel more rested than a full night's sleep. Spoiler alert: It never does.
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Being tired turns us into philosophers, doesn't it? I mean, you start questioning everything. The other day, I found myself standing in front of the fridge, staring at a carton of orange juice, thinking, "If it's orange juice, why is it in a box and not an orange?" And the decisions we make when we're tired are just mind-boggling. I once tried to brush my teeth with the TV remote. In my defense, they're both rectangles. And have you ever tried to put on your shoes and realized you're holding a sandwich instead? It's like, "Well, I guess I'm having a sandwich for breakfast and shoes for lunch."
But tired logic goes beyond just mix-ups. It's a whole thought process. Like, "If I don't look at the time, maybe it's not really morning yet," or "If I drink this entire pot of coffee, I'll have the energy of a superhero." Spoiler alert again: I did not gain superpowers, but I did develop a twitch.
So here's to tired logic, where the line between genius and insanity is blurred, and the only thing clear is that you need a nap.
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You ever notice how tired and technology just don't mix? It's like they have this secret alliance to make our lives more complicated. I was so tired the other night that I tried to unlock my front door with the car key fob. I stood there, clicking away, wondering why my house wasn't making that satisfying "beep" sound. And don't even get me started on autocorrect. You could be sending a simple text like, "I'll be there in five minutes," and suddenly it becomes, "I'll be there in five mosquitoes." Like, what is my phone even trying to say? Is there a mosquito delivery service I don't know about?
And then there's the classic move of putting your phone in the fridge and the milk on the charger. It's like my brain thinks, "Well, they're both white, close enough." And have you ever tried to type out a coherent email when you're tired? It's like your fingers turn into independent agents with their own agenda.
So here's a tip: If you ever receive an email from me at 3 AM that just says, "Zzzzzzz," just know that tired me tried to respond, and I apologize in advance for any unintentional sleep texting.
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