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Why did the cracker apply for a job at the Ritz? It wanted to be a little more 'crisp' in its career! 🍪
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Why did the Ritz cracker break up with the pretzel? It was tired of all the 'knots' in the relationship!
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Why don't Ritz crackers ever get in trouble? Because they always 'crack' under pressure!
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Why did the Ritz cracker go to therapy? It had too many 'crumbs' issues to deal with!
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Why did the Ritz cracker go to therapy? It needed to 'unwind' and 'crumble' its emotional baggage!
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Why did the Ritz cracker win an award? It was a 'crack'tastic performance at the annual 'Crunchies' ceremony! 🏆
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Why did the Ritz cracker start a band? It wanted to make some 'crisp' music! 🎵
Ritzy Bathroom
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The bathroom at The Ritz is so fancy; they have a bidet with more buttons than my TV remote. I accidentally pressed one, and suddenly I was getting a spa treatment in places I didn't even know I had! I didn't leave the bathroom; I took a vacation in there.
Fancy Elevator Music
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The elevator at The Ritz plays this fancy classical music. I felt so sophisticated until I realized it was just covering up the sounds of the people arguing about which floor they wanted to go to. It's like Beethoven meets I said, lobby, not laundry!
The Ritz
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You ever been to The Ritz? I went there once, and the only thing ritzy about it was the price of a glass of water! I asked the waiter if it came from a magical spring at the top of Mount Fiji or something. He said, No, sir, it comes from the tap in the kitchen, but it's served in a fancy glass.
Five-Star Confusion
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The Ritz has a five-star rating, but I'm convinced they're just rating the number of towels in the bathroom. I mean, if I want luxury, I don't need a dozen towels; I need someone to figure out how to fold a fitted sheet.
Expensive Minibar
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I opened the minibar at The Ritz, and I swear the snacks were made of gold. I asked the concierge, Are these chips seasoned with unicorn tears or something? He said, No, sir, just Himalayan salt and a touch of pretentiousness.
Valet Confusion
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I valeted my car at The Ritz, and the valet asked, What's the make and model? I said, It's the one with the 'My other car is a bicycle' bumper sticker. He didn't find it as amusing as I did.
Room with a View
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I got a room at The Ritz with a view. Turns out, the view was of the guy in the penthouse across the street, who was also looking out his window trying to figure out why he spent so much on a room with a view of me in my underwear.
The Ritz Workout
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They say The Ritz is so luxurious, but have you tried their fitness center? It's just a room with one treadmill. I asked the trainer how to use it, and he said, You step on it and imagine you're running away from your credit card bill.
Fancy Wi-Fi
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The Ritz boasts about its high-speed internet, but it's so expensive that I expected my laptop to connect to the internet via carrier pigeon wearing a tuxedo. I guess that's what they mean by elite connectivity.
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