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Let's talk about the classic phrase, "It's not rocket science." No, it's not, but neither is ordering a pizza. Yet, somehow, they still manage to mess up the toppings. I don't need a PhD in astrophysics to get a pepperoni and mushroom pizza right.
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English is the only language where you can drink a drink, but you can't food a food. I tried it at a restaurant once. "I'll have the lasagna, and could you food it for me, please?" The waiter just gave me a puzzled look, probably contemplating if I'd been hitting the drinks a bit too hard already.
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Lastly, have you ever been in a conversation where someone says, "I could care less," when they mean "I couldn't care less"? It's like, congratulations, you've just revealed that you care at least a little bit. Bravo, English language, for allowing such linguistic acrobatics.
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You ever notice how when someone says, "Do you speak English?" it's not really a question? It's more of a test. Like, "Do you speak English? You better, because I'm about to tell you my life story, and I need you to understand every word of it!
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The concept of "adulting" is hilarious. We congratulate ourselves for doing basic things like paying bills and grocery shopping. "Look at me, adulting so hard right now. I even remembered to buy toilet paper. I deserve a gold star.
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Ever notice how the person who invented the snooze button on the alarm clock probably wasn't a morning person? "Hey, let's create a button that lets people delay the inevitable misery of waking up. Brilliant!
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Speaking of English, why do we say a "pair of pants"? I mean, it's not like we're wearing two separate leg coverings. And don't get me started on "a couple of seconds." Is that two seconds or just a vague, non-committal measure of time? "Give me a couple of seconds." Translation: "I have no idea how long this will take.
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I find it fascinating that we say, "I slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours crying. If that's what it means to sleep like a baby, then count me out. I want to sleep like a cat – 16 hours straight with intermittent periods of intense napping.
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You know you're an adult when going to bed early is a reward, not a punishment. "Oh, it's 9:30? Time to treat myself to some extra shut-eye. Living my best life!
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