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Let's talk about the awkwardness of group photos. You ever notice how everyone suddenly becomes an Olympic gymnast trying to fit into the frame? "Okay, let's make a human pyramid, and Susan, you just levitate above us. Perfect." Then there's always that one person who insists on being the human selfie stick. "I got this, guys. Just lift me up, and I'll take the picture. Who needs a drone when you have Todd?"
And don't even get me started on the aftermath. The photographer sends you the photos, and you realize you were standing next to someone who was having a bad hair day. Now, every time you see that picture, all you can think is, "Wow, I hope they've discovered hats by now."
Professional photos are like a time capsule of awkwardness. You look back, and it's like, "Ah, yes, the year we all pretended we liked each other enough to be in the same picture.
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Let's talk about family photos. Getting everyone to smile at the same time is like trying to coordinate a flash mob with a group of toddlers. "Okay, on three, everyone say cheese!" And half the kids are like, "What's cheese?" while the other half is contemplating a rebellion against the tyranny of family photos. Then there's always that one family member who insists on bringing their pet into the picture. "Fluffy is part of the family too!" Next thing you know, you're trying to get your dog to sit still while your grandma is threatening to disown anyone who blinks.
But despite all the chaos, there's something magical about professional photos. They capture a moment in time, frozen forever. Sure, it might be a moment of sheer pandemonium, but hey, at least we can look back and laugh about it.
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You know you're an adult when you get excited about having a professional headshot on your LinkedIn profile. It's like, "Look at me, I'm a serious professional. Hire me, I can adult like the best of them." But let's be real, no one's LinkedIn photo looks like the person you meet for coffee. It's the modern-day equivalent of online dating. You show up expecting George Clooney, and you get George Costanza. "Oh, that's you? I thought you were the one with the perfectly coiffed hair and the Photoshop glow."
And what's with the photographers giving you directions like you're in a modeling boot camp? "Give me fierce! Now, show me vulnerability. Yes, yes, channel your inner CEO." My inner CEO is probably at home binge-eating snacks, not striking poses like I'm on the cover of Forbes.
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You ever notice how getting professional photos taken is like trying to be friends with a cat? You know, you're there smiling, trying to look all natural, but deep down, you're just wondering, "Am I doing this right? Should I be making a weird face or something?" I recently had a professional photoshoot, and the photographer kept saying, "Relax, be yourself." Well, being myself involves binge-watching Netflix in pajamas, not posing like I'm about to run for president. I mean, is there a "casual Netflix and chill" pose?
And don't get me started on those headshots. They make you stare into the camera like you're about to reveal the secrets of the universe. I'm just trying not to blink, okay? I don't need a headshot; I need a nap.
I always wonder what the photographers are thinking during these shoots. They're probably mentally drafting their resignation letters, like, "I can't believe I'm spending my day telling people to 'smile with their eyes.'
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