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The flight attendants always have that perfect smile, even during turbulence. I'm thinking, "Are they trained for this? Is there a Flight Attendant Zen Master who teaches them to gracefully pour coffee while the plane does its best impression of a roller coaster?
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You know, I was on a plane the other day, and they always give you that safety demonstration. They show you how to buckle your seatbelt and where the exits are. I'm sitting there thinking, "If this plane crashes, I don't think knowing where the exit is will be my main concern. I'll be too busy auditioning for the role of 'human cannonball.'
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Flying can be stressful. I mean, they tell you about the oxygen masks that drop down in case of an emergency. They say, "Put your mask on first before assisting others." Really? If the plane is going down, I'm putting my mask on while singing, "I Will Survive." I'll assist others once I've secured my own oxygen-based diva moment.
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Airplane food is something else. They serve you this tiny tray with a mystery meat concoction. I always feel like I'm participating in an in-flight episode of a cooking competition show. "Today, your challenge is to create a gourmet dish using only a plastic fork and whatever fell on your tray.
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You ever notice how the flight attendants always point out the emergency exits? They're like, "In the event of a water landing..." Water landing? I don't know about you, but I'm not expecting a splash pad at 30,000 feet. If we're hitting water, I better see a giant inflatable swan and a lifeguard on duty.
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I love the part of the flight where they dim the lights and ask you to raise your window shades. Like, thanks for turning this into a cozy, ambient experience. It's as if they're saying, "Welcome to our floating candlelit dinner in the sky, where turbulence is our version of mood lighting.
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So, they have those life vests under the seats. But let's be real, if we're going down in the middle of the ocean, that life vest isn't saving me. I'd need a floatation device the size of a small island and a rescue team with a GPS tracker to find me sipping a coconut under the sun.
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You ever notice how everyone becomes an aviation expert during turbulence? The guy next to me is gripping his armrest, muttering about air currents and pressure zones like he's about to give a TED Talk on aerodynamics. Dude, we're all just hoping the pilot aced Flight School 101.
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I was on a turbulent flight recently, and the captain comes on the intercom all calm, saying, "Ladies and gentlemen, we might experience a bit of turbulence." I'm sitting there gripping my armrest like, "A bit? This feels like we're riding a roller coaster designed by a mad scientist with a shaky hand.
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