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You guys ever think about Liam Neeson? You know, the guy who's always on a mission to find someone. I mean, the dude has made a career out of rescuing people. It's like his part-time job or something. I can imagine his resume: "Skills - Tracking down bad guys, a particular set of skills, and a very intimidating phone voice." Can you imagine being his kid and trying to play hide and seek? "Ready or not, here I come!" No, Liam, we're not ready! We're never ready!
I bet his voicemail is just him saying, "I will find you, and I will leave you a message." I wouldn't want to owe him money. "I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you're looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of bills. Bills I've acquired over a very long career. Bills that make me a nightmare for people like you.
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I heard Liam Neeson has a new cooking show. Yeah, it's called "Taken, Baked, and Stir-Fried." It's where he teaches you how to make a meal and rescue someone at the same time. "Today, we're making spaghetti bolognese while tracking down a kidnapper. First, finely chop the onions, and then finely analyze the crime scene for any clues." Can you imagine the tagline? "Cook like a pro, fight like Liam." I'd watch that. The show's so intense; even the microwave gets nervous.
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Wouldn't it be awesome if Liam Neeson did GPS voices? You miss a turn, and he's like, "I don't know who you are, but you missed your exit. I will guide you. I will help you find a legal U-turn. And I will make sure you reach your destination, with or without that latte you spilled in your cup holder." Imagine him during road rage: "Turn left in 500 feet." "I said turn left!" He's the only GPS that gives you directions and a piece of his mind.
I can't wait for the day he narrates audiobooks. "Chapter One: The protagonist, a mild-mannered accountant, discovers a world of embezzlement. Little did he know, he was about to balance the books... with justice.
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I was reading Liam Neeson's new self-help book, "Love, Taken, and Relationship Skills." It's a guide to finding love while maintaining a very particular set of standards. He's got dating advice like, "If they don't text back in 10 minutes, they're probably kidnapped. Use your skills to investigate." And his version of a pickup line: "I don't have money, but what I do have are a very particular set of charms. Charms that make me a nightmare for people like you... to resist."
Dating Liam Neeson style is like playing a game of emotional hide and seek. "I will find love, and I will marry you. And I will make sure our wedding is unforgettable, with or without the stolen cake topper.
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