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You know, I've been thinking about this whole laziness thing lately. I mean, I'm so lazy that when I get an email saying, "Your parcel is out for delivery," I'm like, "Can't they just drop it off at my couch?" And don't get me started on exercise. My idea of a workout is trying to reach the remote without getting up. I've got a Fitbit, but it's not for tracking my steps; it's for finding my phone when I misplace it somewhere within arm's reach.
I recently tried a home workout video, you know, the ones where the instructor says, "Feel the burn!" Well, I felt a burn, but it was just from the pizza I forgot in the oven. I'm so lazy; I need a personal trainer who's also a motivational speaker, yelling things like, "You can do it... but do you really have to?"
It's not that I don't have goals; I just prefer them to be easily achievable. My life motto is "Dream big, sleep bigger." So, if you see me napping, just know I'm working on my dreams.
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Lazy people like me have our own unique logic. For instance, I bought a Roomba to vacuum my house. Now, I spend more time watching it bump into things than I ever did vacuuming. It's like having a pet with no emotional attachment. I named mine Sir Bumps-a-Lot. And have you ever been so lazy that you order takeout because you don't want to cook, but then you spend an hour deciding what to order? It's like, "I could cook a five-course meal in the time it takes me to choose between pizza and Chinese."
Lazy logic also applies to decision-making. If I can't decide on something, I just flip a coin. Not because I care about the outcome, but because flipping a coin requires less brainpower than making a decision. It's like outsourcing my choices to the universe.
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Have you ever noticed how some inventions are just designed for lazy people like me? Take the automatic soap dispenser, for example. I mean, is pressing a pump really that strenuous? Now, I've got a soap dispenser that thinks it's auditioning for "Dancing with the Stars" every time I wash my hands. And what's up with those self-stirring coffee mugs? I mean, if you can't summon the strength to stir your coffee, maybe you don't need caffeine; you need a nap.
I recently bought a self-making bed. It's amazing! You just press a button, and it magically straightens the sheets. Now, if only it could convince my cat to stop sleeping on my face, we'd be in business.
I'm waiting for the day they invent a self-cleaning fridge. I open it, and it's like, "Sorry, no expired food here, just a void of nothingness." Lazy people like me dream of a world where everything is automated, and we can spend more time perfecting the art of doing nothing.
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You know you're lazy when you start coming up with your own innovations to make life easier. I invented a remote control for my remote control. Now, I can change the channel without even lifting a finger—just press a button to press a button. It's the pinnacle of human achievement. I also created a self-opening snack drawer. It's triggered by the sound of me saying, "I'm too lazy to get up." The only problem is, now my cat has figured it out, and I wake up to the sound of him raiding the snack drawer at 3 AM.
I even thought about inventing a robot to clap for me during stand-up gigs. I figured, why exert the effort when a robot can do it for me? But then I realized the irony of a lazy person trying to invent something to save them from the effort of applause. Maybe I'll just hire a personal clapper instead.
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