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You ever notice how people are always talking about "grain"? We've got whole grain, refined grain, ancient grain. I feel like I'm in a bakery, not a grocery store. And don't get me started on quinoa – the diva of the grain world. It's like, "I'm not rice; I'm quinoa, darling." I tried cooking quinoa once; it looked at me and said, "You're doing it all wrong, sweetie." But seriously, they say grains are good for you, right? They're the foundation of a healthy diet. I'm just waiting for the day when they announce that chocolate is a grain. I'll be like, "Doctor's orders, I need my daily intake of grains, stat!
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So, I heard about this thing called the "grain brain." Apparently, if you eat too many carbs, your brain turns into mush. I'm starting to wonder if that's why I can't remember where I put my car keys. Maybe it's not forgetfulness; it's just my brain on bread. And then there's gluten. People are so gluten-conscious now. They're like, "I'm gluten-free," and I'm over here like, "I'm gluten-full, and I'm having a great time!" I mean, what did gluten ever do to us? It's just trying to hold the bread together. It's the glue of the food world!
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You know that saying, "Take it with a grain of salt"? I tried that once. I was having an argument with someone, and I thought, "Let me just take this whole conversation with a grain of salt." Turns out, salt doesn't make you more agreeable; it just makes you thirsty. But seriously, it's good advice. Sometimes you hear things, and you just have to take it with a grain of salt. Like when they say, "This diet will change your life." Yeah, right. I've tried kale; my life is still the same – just with a few extra trips to the bathroom.
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I tried going against the grain once, you know, being a rebel. I walked into a bakery and asked for a gluten-packed, carb-loaded, sugar-coated pastry. The baker looked at me like I had just insulted his grandmother's cooking. He said, "We don't do that here." I felt like I was in a bread-based episode of 'Breaking Bad.' But seriously, sometimes you've got to go against the grain. Life is too short to eat tasteless, cardboard-like health food. Give me a croissant, and I'll show you happiness. I'm not against the grain; I'm just against the idea that healthy food can't taste amazing.
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