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You know, I recently decided to get in shape because, well, my doctor said I should. So, like any responsible adult, I hired a fitness trainer. Now, these fitness trainers, they're like motivational speakers on steroids, literally. They'll be like, "You can do it! Push through the pain!" And I'm there thinking, "Buddy, the only thing I'm pushing through right now is regret and pizza from last night." And have you noticed how every fitness trainer has their own unique approach? One guy was all about high-intensity workouts. I swear, after one session with him, I couldn't feel my legs for a week. I walked around like a newborn giraffe. It was embarrassing.
But then there's the yoga instructor who's all about finding your inner peace. I'm sorry, but my inner peace is found in a bag of potato chips on the couch, not contorting my body into a pretzel. I went to a yoga class once, and I swear the only thing I mastered was the art of pretending to stretch while secretly taking a nap.
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Let's talk about gym fashion for a moment. Why do fitness trainers always look like they just stepped off a runway at the gym? Meanwhile, I'm over here in my mismatched socks and a T-shirt from a 5K I never ran. These trainers are decked out in neon spandex, matching shoes, and a headband like they're about to film a workout video. I'm just trying not to trip on the treadmill. And don't even get me started on the gym mirrors. Who thought it was a good idea to surround the entire place with mirrors? I don't need to see myself struggling on the elliptical from every angle. It's like a sad, uncoordinated dance performance, and I'm the unwilling star.
So, if you ever see me at the gym, just know I'm there for the laughs, not the lunges. And if a fitness trainer approaches me, I'll be ready with my secret weapon: a bag of chips hidden in my gym bag.
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So, I'm at the gym, and these fitness trainers are throwing around terms that sound like a foreign language. One guy tells me I need to engage my core. I'm like, "Buddy, I engage my core every time I try not to cry during a sad movie. Is that what you mean?" And what's with the obsession with the word "rep"? They're like, "Do ten reps of this, fifteen reps of that." I'm thinking, "I can do one rep of getting out of bed in the morning; does that count?" And don't even get me started on the confusion between sets and reps. I'm just trying not to embarrass myself, counting on my fingers like a toddler doing basic math.
I asked my trainer, "Can I just do one long rep and call it a day?" He didn't find it as amusing as I did.
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You ever notice the crazy fitness gadgets these trainers swear by? There's this one gadget that claims to give you six-pack abs by electrocuting your stomach muscles. I tried it once, and I swear I felt like I was auditioning for a sci-fi movie, not working on my fitness. If getting fit involves electrical shocks, count me out. I'll stick to the good old-fashioned sit-up, thank you very much. And then there's this water bottle that reminds you to drink water every hour. I mean, come on! If I need a water bottle to tell me when to drink, I probably have bigger problems than dehydration.
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