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I've realized that my grocery cart is a bit of a criminal mastermind. It strategically hides items from me. "Oh, you wanted those cookies? Sorry, I thought you meant kale. My bad.
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Why is it that when I accidentally take someone else's umbrella, I feel like I've committed a grand theft weather accessory? I can picture the police report now: "Suspect at large with a stolen umbrella, last seen pretending not to notice the mix-up.
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I was thinking about identity theft the other day. It's like, I can barely remember my own passwords, and now someone out there thinks they're me? Good luck, buddy, hope you enjoy the constant struggle of trying to find matching socks.
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Have you ever been stuck in traffic and thought, "Man, this is a criminal waste of my time"? Well, I have a solution – make traffic school an actual prison. Speeders would think twice about cutting you off if they knew they might end up sharing a cell with someone who sings Justin Bieber at 3 am.
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Have you ever had a neighbor who's just a bit too into true crime documentaries? It's like living next to Sherlock Holmes, but with more conspiracy theories about the mailman.
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You ever notice how the term "white-collar criminal" makes it sound like they're just having a bad laundry day? Like, "Oh no, I spilled embezzlement all over my favorite shirt again!
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You know you're an adult when you get excited about getting a jury duty summons because it's the closest thing to a surprise vacation you'll ever get. "Honey, pack your bags, we're off to the courthouse for a thrilling legal adventure!
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I went to the store the other day, and they had a sign saying, "Shoplifters will be prosecuted." I thought, "Well, at least they're not being shy about their career path – straight to the courtroom, no middleman.
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Dating is like being a detective. You start with high hopes, gather evidence, and eventually realize you might be dealing with a serial ghoster. It's a mystery novel, and I'm just waiting for the plot twist.
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