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Social distancing has made me realize that my personal space is so valuable. I used to be polite when people got too close, but now I've perfected the "invisible force field" move. Back up, buddy, my six feet of personal space is not up for negotiation.
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Dating during a pandemic is like playing Russian roulette, but instead of a gun, it's a rapid test. "Swipe right if you're negative" has a whole new meaning now. I never thought I'd be asking for someone's PCR test results as a romantic icebreaker.
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You know, with this whole coronavirus situation, I've realized that my handwashing skills have improved dramatically. I used to give them a quick rinse, now I'm scrubbing in like I'm about to perform surgery. I might not be a doctor, but I've got the handwashing routine down to a science.
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The other day, I saw a couple wearing matching face masks. I guess "till death do us part" now includes "and also during pandemics." It's like a modern-day version of Romeo and Juliet, except they're both alive and well because they take social distancing seriously.
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You know you're in 2020 when the hottest fashion accessory is a face mask. I've seen people coordinate their masks with their outfits like they're walking the runway in a pandemic fashion show. Who knew safety could be so stylish?
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Hand sanitizer has become the new currency. Forget about stocks and bonds; I'm investing in a lifetime supply of Purell. I'll be the hand sanitizer baron of the post-apocalyptic world, trading my precious bottles for essentials like toilet paper and chocolate.
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Remember when we used to go to a restaurant and worry about the calories in the menu? Now, the only thing we're counting is the number of people in the vicinity. "Excuse me, waiter, can you please move us to the COVID-free section? Thanks.
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Remember the good old days when someone coughed in public, and you'd give them a sympathetic look? Now, if someone even clears their throat, you're ready to throw them in a hazmat suit and call the CDC. Coughing is the new public enemy number one.
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Is it just me, or has anyone else become a master chef during this pandemic? I used to burn water, and now I'm over here experimenting with recipes I can't even pronounce. I've become a quarantine gourmet, but I still can't figure out how to make a vaccine soufflé.
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